Funnies: Kerry Carnage
Nov. 5, 2006 — -- A roundup of the late-night comics.
The Tonight Show
Jay Leno: You know, people have been wondering what the Republicans are going to use as their secret weapon to help turn the election around, you know? Who would have guessed it'd be John Kerry? It's amazing.
Late Night
Conan O'Brien: President Bush is being criticized for campaigning only in areas that are friendly to him. That's what they're saying, yeah. For example, this morning he spent the day campaigning at Dick Cheney's house.
The Tonight Show
Leno: Earlier this week, President Bush warned Democrats not to celebrate victory too early. Yeah. This, from the guy that put up the 'Mission Accomplished' sign three years ago.
The Daily Show
Jon Stewart: Still in the tossup column, Virginia -- with Macaca Goldstein versus the He-man Woman Haters Club. And Tennessee, where a GOP ad accused Democrat Harold Ford of attending a Playboy Super Bowl party, drawing this angry retort.
Harold Ford [video]: I do like football and I do like girls.
Jon Stewart: That's Harold Ford running for the high office of your college roommate.
Late Show
David Letterman: How 'bout this John Kerry controversy, ladies and gentleman? Have you been following that? So he's out there in California, and he tells some kind of a joke, and it backfires. And he's now walking around saying that he botched the joke. He was trying to tell a joke about Bush. I'm telling you, this guy can lose elections he's not even in.
The Tonight Show
Leno: I guess you all heard about the big accident today, right? Did you know about that? Yeah, pretty, pretty gruesome. Apparently a number of Republicans running from George Bush collided with bunch of Democrats running from John Kerry. Just carnage everywhere.
The Daily Show
Stewart: So I give you, the voting public, the 2006 midterm commercial.
Voiceovers [different commercials cut together]: A terrorist plot may be unfolding … and America is less safe. … Politicians like your congressman… mocked American deaths … spit in our face … partied with Playboy playmates … compared America's leaders to Nazis … kidnapped, raped and murdered. … Your congressman … is too extreme … hateful and dishonest … deceitful … chicken liver … brain-dead … wrong … wrong … wrong … wrong, really wrong. … Why not just tell the truth, Dr. Millionaire?