Funnies: High Court Justice, No Experience Necessary

By
ABC News
November 4, 2005, 3:26 PM ET
2 min read

Oct. 9, 2005 — -- A round-up of the late-night comics.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno:

Leno: Hey, here's some good news: The Supreme Court is hiring, no experience necessary. So, if you're looking for a job, go on down there.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart:

Stewart: President Bush announced his pick to fill Sandra Day O'Connor's Supreme Court seat. And it's Harriet Ellan Miers -- who has never been a judge, but has clearly been a Talbot's frequent shopper.

The Late Show with David Letterman:

Letterman: It turns out that a former Marine has been arrested for allegedly stealing intelligence memos from the White House. How about that? The guy would get into the White House and was stealing the intelligence memos. And I was thinking, "Well, at least it's nice to know someone was reading those memos."

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart:

Stewart: We begin with our regular exercise in responsible medical journalism on the program: Health scare. This week's panic: Bird flu, the virus has killed over 60 people in Asia and has recently spread to birds in Russia and Europe. Experts fear it may soon mutate to a form more infectious to humans and if that happens. …

Dr. David Nabarro, World Health Organization [at press conference]: Let's say the range of deaths could be between 5 and 150 million.

[Laughter]

Stewart: Well, he is a World Health Organization official, talking about a major pandemic. I am sure people are paying close attention to the--

[video of a virtually empty auditorium]

Stewart: Even worse, two of those three reporters were from Bird Fancy.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno:

Leno: Al Gore gave a fiery speech today, claiming American democracy is in grave danger, grave danger. Then his wife Tipper said, "Al, just pay the pizza guy and let's eat. Come on."

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart:

Stewart: Yes, this morning the president delivered a 45-minute speech to the National Endowment for Democracy in yet another attempt to clearly define who it is exactly we're fighting in the war on terrorists.

President Bush [on tape]: Some call this evil Islamic radicalism. Others, militant jihadism. Still others, Islamo-fascism.

Stewart [Singing to the tune of "The Joker" by The Steve Miller Band]: And some people call it Maurice/Whoo-woo/Because it speaks, of the pompitous of religious fundamentalism.