Funnies: A Head of Lettuce Will Now Cost $300

April 2, 2006 — -- A roundup of the late-night comics.

The Tonight Show

Jay Leno: Well, the good news is Congress is cracking down on illegal immigration. The bad news, a head of lettuce will now cost $300.

Late Night

Conan O'Brien: President Bush told the Iraqi people to, this is a quote, "Get governing." Then the president introduced his new speechwriter, Larry the Cable Guy.

The Tonight Show

Leno: You know this problem of illegal immigration is nothing new. This, we've had this for a long time. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people." Yeah, same, same thing.

The Tonight Show

Leno: And according to Time magazine, global warming is 33 percent worse than we thought. You know what that means? Al Gore is one-third more annoying than we thought.

The Colbert Report

Steven Colbert: I knew this was a problem, but I had no idea the scope of it until I watched the Sunday shows. Look at what Arlen Specter said at 10:03 on Sunday morning.

Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa.: We have approximately 11 million undocumented aliens here.

Steven Colbert: Now look at what Ted Kennedy said at 10:33.

Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass.: There are 12 million individuals that are here in the United States.

Colbert: One million illegals snuck into this country in half an hour.