Many Speak of Divorce's Impact

July 8, 2002 — -- Some say they're living happy, healthy lives. A few are uncertain. But many children of divorce and their parents who e-mailed ABCNEWS.com say the experience left permanent anxieties and scars on their lives or the lives of their kids.

ABCNEWS.com asked readers touched by divorce to e-mail their thoughts on how it affected them.

The query came in the context of recent research and books by E. Mavis Hetherington and Judith Wallerstein, who offer somewhat different views on the extent of divorce's long-term negative effect on kids.

Read more about the books and research by clicking on the related story at left.

Here is a sampling of the reader responses:

Life Impact

A California man whose parents divorced when he was 4 said the idea of creating a family "scares me." He focuses his energies on being a better manager at work, but wishes he could feel confident enough to marry. "I am deeply touched more and more as I grow older by things like movie plots dealing with close families, especially fathers' roles because I didn't have one. I am 34 and think I will never marry or have children because I think I will not be a good parent."

A recently married Chicago woman said she has "a fundamental fear of trusting other people" after "my father's infidelity" contributed to her parents divorce when she was 7. Although she loves her husband, "I still have dreams about him showing interest in other women [although] I know it wouldn't happen." However, she believes things might have been worse for her if her parents had stayed together.

A divorced New Jersey woman in her 30s says her family fell into poverty after her parents divorced in the mid-1970s. She finds Hetherington's conclusions that divorce's long-term impact has been overstated to be, "a complete cop-out, a panacea to make irresponsible parents 'feel better' about their divorces." She finds more truth in Wallerstein's book because "my self-esteem is non-existent [and] I cannot function properly in any kind of relationship."

A Florida child of divorce said she chose her husband not necessarily based upon love, but upon fatherly traits because, "I did not want a man to walk out of my children's life."

A California child of divorce who is married with children thinks twice when thoughts of divorce enter his head: "I think how hard it was on us, and I did not want kids to go through the same. Then I wonder is it better to save a marriage for the kids sake? One really never knows."

A Reno, Nev., man agrees "given time, most festering wounds [from divorce] will heal." But he still feels the absence of a constant father figure as a result of his parents' divorce. "Sure, people think that I am normal, but that is mostly because I build a fiction for the people around me. I make people perceive me how I want them to perceive me, and, in the meantime, I spend a lot of my time trying to figure out who the hell I am. This is what happens when you are unfortunate enough to have selfish parents who cannot do what is best for the child."

A California woman in her mid-30s agrees with Wallerstein, but has not yet read Hetherington's book. She has gained a master's degree and enjoyed considerable professional success since her parents divorced when she was 6. But she is the single mother of a 1-year-old and experiencing "relationship problems" with the child's father. "Although I have led a fairly 'normal' life with many achievements … I struggle with issues of distrust, fear of abandonment, self-esteem issues, and fear of intimacy and permanency."

A divorced father from Colorado and former high-school teacher sees divorce's negative effect on kids — so much so that he could pick out the children of divorce from among his students by the way they behaved. "They seem to be more prone to behavior problems and problems with relationships."

A woman in her late 30s from Omaha, Neb., says her repeated inability to finish school and other projects has roots in her parents' divorce when she was about 10.

An Albuquerque, N.M., woman, now 50, still recalls watching her father pulling out of the driveway and out of her life when she was 4, and later feeling "resentment" coming from stepparents. She feels insecure in relationships and jobs and anxious over change. "I will always be walking in the middle of the railroad track, my mother on the left rail, my father on the right rail, and no matter how much I want the rails to come together they will forever be evenly spaced apart."

Overcoming Divorce

An Atlanta woman whose parents divorced 30 years ago now is happily married with two children, and prefers Hetherington's more optimistic conclusions on divorce to Wallerstein's bleaker view. "My parents' divorce made me more self-aware, helped me to look for the important things in a mate, recognize the critical nature of communication, learn how to disagree with my mate and ultimately, thank my lucky stars every day."

An Illinois man, whose parents divorced when he was three, has been "happily married to the one [and only] love of my life for over 20 years," with two kids of his own. He still feels "the pain in my heart" over not having a father in his childhood household, and initially had doubts about his own fathering abilities. However, "I eventually found that since I loved my son dearly, my natural fatherly instincts were right on track."

A North Carolina woman said her parents' divorce in her teen years "was better for us than the stressful, angry atmosphere we were living in prior to the divorce."

An Indiana woman in her late 30s, whose parents divorced when she was 12, said, "to this day I'm grateful that my parents divorced when they did." Her mother quickly remarried, so, "I had an opportunity to observe a normal, healthy married relationship." But she regrets not having a closer relationship with brothers who were raised by her father.

A Michigan man said he and his brother are successful professionally and romantically, and believes the impact of his parents divorce was "very little" because they did not often fight in front of the children.

A Flint, Mich., man has been married for 23 years and, "my parents and the way their relationship dissolved has not had an impact upon my life and my ability to form relationships."

A Baltimore woman in her mid-20s is "educated, successful and happy," and "wouldn't change a thing" about her parents' divorce because she sees them as "complete opposites," unsuited to each other. "I was able to take the best of both of them — responsibility and a focus on education and hard work, tempered by a free-spirit and an understanding that success is relative to what makes you happy."

A Maryland woman says both she and her husband are children of divorce, and "we both went into our marriage knowing that there may be a possibility, down the road, that things may not work out." But now they are happy with a 2-year-old son. "Going through what my husband and I went through made us realize what we did not want in a relationship."

A Texas man believes his parents' divorce when he was 4 allowed him to see the best attributes of his parents, who were "complete opposites," and they might have suppressed their differing attributes if they'd stayed together. "It may sound very strange, but I really believe that my parents divorce was a blessing to me. … As an adult I feel that I am a better person for the experience."