'Wolf Files' Hits Bookstores
Nov. 11, 2003 -- — Let me drop to my knees and get right to the point: Please, please, please read my book.
I've been writing this column for six years, and now The Wolf Files: Adventures in Weird News (Globe Pequot) hits bookstores, with a fresh look at my experiences with Bozo, Michael Jackson, John Wayne Bobbitt, the Stanley Cup, assorted Elvis impersonators, retired Munchkins, celebrity garbage pickers — and other people whom I consider "professional contacts."
Frankly, after working on the book for about nine months, I'm tempted to give a copy to anyone who asks. I can't tell you how thrilling it was to tear open the first box a few days ago, and sign advanced copies for my parents and a few close friends and colleagues.
In fact, someone who got an advanced copy of The Wolf Files is even more magnanimous than me. Rather than reading the book, this person decided it was more important to share it with the world. He's now selling his unread edition on eBay.
When I find out who this person is, I'm going to have to figure out how to thank him.
Now I'm in the strange position of bidding on eBay for my own book. If I am the high bidder, I can give the book to another friend, eventually buy it back on eBay, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, until I fulfill my ambition of dying a poor disgruntled weird news reporter. In the meantime, I've given away all the copies my publisher and I can spare.
In the alternative, here's the introduction to The Wolf Files and links to a few columns from years past that you'll find updated in the book. I'll remain on bended knees until you finish. Thanks. Enjoy. Adventures in Weird News: An Introduction
God hates me. I've outraged Bozo the Clown. And, as if I needed one more personal reference, Adolf Hittler said I'm a nice guy.
In my line of work, these things are occupational hazards. You chase weird news at your own risk. Ultimately, you become what you pursue — strange.
Writing The Wolf Files has been a singular odyssey. The Hittler I encountered was a 61-year-old retired bus driver who was named before that other Hitler (who lacked the extra "T") became infamous. Hittler said he deplored the Nazis, but didn't want to insult his parents by changing his name — a decision resulting in a lifetime of sniggers from neighbors, coworkers, and hotel clerks.
I've explored modern mummification. I spoke with one man who plans to have his cremated remains crushed into a diamond and fitted into a necklace for his wife. I also developed a chatty friendship with the last descendant of the European noble we know as Count Dracula.
Dracula, as he likes to be called, embraces his legacy, and as a renowned bloodsucker, harbors political aspirations and volunteers for the Red Cross. Rest assured, he wants your blood for a very good reason.
Legendary "Gonzo" journalist Hunter S. Thompson has often said, "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro," and I often question whether this applies to me or the people I've written about. I sometimes suspect my continued employment at ABCNEWS.com is based on being a convenient place for other reporters to forward crank calls.
I'm also reminded of words of Kurt Vonnegut Jr., who noted, "We are what we pretend to be. So we must be very careful what we pretend."
All I can say is that these things really happened: One day the NHL lent the Stanley Cup to me and let me parade it through Central Park as a social experiment.
Another time, I got to sit in a synagogue with Michael Jackson, to witness his first experience with Judaism. I noted in a 1999 installment of The Wolf Files that the King of Pop had the whitest skin in temple — and he loves bagels.
Other experiences have been a mixed blessing. John Wayne Bobbitt called one Saturday night to brag about the cosmetic surgical enhancements on his one claim to fame.
Your God is probably not my God — a 60-year-old out-of-work radio personality who was born Terrill Clark Williams and legally changed his name in 1980. The striking new sobriquet failed to inspire a following, even when he flashed his California driver's license and American Express card, both of which bear the name G-O-D.
I earned God's wrath after he announced he was planning to sue the Los Angeles Times for taking his name in vane. After admitting that it was all a ploy to get some attention, I documented the incident in a February 2000 edition of The Wolf Files: "God's PR Scheme."
God then proclaimed he was suing me. For weeks, he called relentlessly. No lawsuit emerged, and he eventually let the matter drop. God only knows what he's doing now.
My dealings with Bozo were no laughing matter. When I first spoke to the man known as TV's most famous clown, a.k.a. Larry Harmon, he told me he regretted that he didn't become a doctor. A year later I found that Harmon was indeed a bozo, but certainly not the original Bozo — and you should never clown with history.
Harmon had a disturbing practice, on occasion, of neglecting to credit Pinto Colvig, the clown who first appeared as Bozo on records and TV. His status at Milwaukee's International Clown Hall of Fame has subsequently been downgraded.
No matter how strange, I try to deal fairly with every subject in this book, yet still go for the laugh. It's sometimes hard to think what place offbeat stories have in a newsroom, yet nearly every news organization, including the Associated Press and Reuters, devotes a regular feature to weird news.
At their best, these stories somehow throw light on the world we're living in. I've tried to distinguish The Wolf Files by avoiding stories based on botched crimes and quirky accidents — to avoid poking fun at incidents that involve pain or suffering.
Of course, I make exceptions for shameless self-promoters who have turned their lives into punch lines. Hence, the occasional calls from the porn-star-turned-standup-comic-turned-sideshow-attraction better known as John Wayne Bobbitt.
As for my personal journey in the wide world of weird, it's up to the readers to decide on its merits. Let me assure you that I'm having significantly more fun than Bobbitt and it comes at a fraction of the pain.
Buck Wolf, New York2003 Vintage Wolf Files
Dead Man SparklingMore Americans are turning to cremation, and they're doing unusual things with the ashes of their loved ones. One company turns cremated ashes into diamonds. Other companies will turn ashes into portraits or objects of art.
Talk about Ultimate Frisbee: The inventor of the flying disk, Ed Headrick, had his ashes crushed into a flying disk. The ashes of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry boldly went were no urn had gone before — into orbit, via a U.S. satellite.
Stanley Cup MisadventuresEvery player on the team that wins the Stanley Cup gets to keep sports' most famous trophy for a day. Some hockey players sleep with the cup. Others have taken it to a strip club.
The Stanley Cup has been used as a champagne cup, dog-food bowl and baptismal font. On one afternoon, The Wolf Files took the cup on a little tour of Central Park.
Muppet SexualityYou probably laughed off those rumors that Ernie and Bert are gay. After all, they're puppets. But The Wolf Files looks into the origins of the muppet sex scandal and Sesame Street's ongoing denial of any hanky-panky.
Bizarre Baby NamingIf you look at Social Security records, baby names get stranger and stranger. You'll find some kids named "Gouda," "Almond," "Cappuccino," "Veal," and even "Bologna." Parents aren't just naming their kids after food, they're naming them after their favorite movie characters. In the last few years, you'll find little boys named Neo and Morpheus, while Trinity became a popular name for girls.
In one year, there were 17 boys named Ventura (as in Jesse), six boys named Timberland (as in the boot), 49 named Canon (spelled like the camera), and 27 Blue (as in little boy).
Penis Survey Comes Up ShortWhen Alfred Kinsey and other doctors did their landmark sexual research as far back in the 1940s, they thought they had documented the human body fairly well.
But recent studies keep revising the average length of male genitalia. Guys aren't changing. The research methods are. Men aren't allowed to measure themselves anymore — they apparently tend to exaggerate (about a half an inch, on average).
U.S. Sperm Exports on the RiseThe U.S. trade deficit is ballooning, but one export is continuing to boom — human sperm. The Wolf Files finds out why the rest of the world wants this homegrown product.
Celebrity Garbage PickersDive into celebrity garbage cans and you'll find one of America's most disturbing collectible. Meet the "garbologists" who've sifted through wadded Kleenex tissues to find Tori Spelling's report card, Milton Berle's empty prescription vials or Jimmy Stewart's receipt for a Hertz rental car.
Michael Jackson Goes to TempleMichael Jackson has tried everything, and one evening he showed up unannounced in a New York City Temple to experience Judaism for the first time.
Buck Wolf was invited to sit with the King of Pop's entourage in another strange episode in Jackson's career.
The Santa DMV DatabaseYes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus — and The Wolf Files can prove it!
An investigation of motor vehicle departments across the country reveals that there are 102 people named Santa Claus who are licensed to drive in states all across the country, from Florida to Alaska.
Buck Wolf is entertainment producerat ABCNEWS.com. The Wolf Files ispublished Tuesdays. If you want to receive weekly notice whena new column is published, join the e-maillist.