You Asked, We Answered: Why Kids Want to Harm Others

Apr. 3, 2008— -- What drives children to dream up especially violent acts? How should they be punished? What are the warning signs of a child plotting a violent crime? You submitted your questions to the two child psychologists who appeared in Wednesday's report about a group of third graders who plotted to harm their teacher. You can watch that video here.

Dr. William S. Pollack is the director of the Centers for Men and Young Men at McLean Hospital, a teaching affiliate of Harvard Medical School; and an assistant clinical professor (Psychology), department of psychiatry, Harvard Medical School. In addition to his other books, he is the co-author of the "Threat Assessment Guide," which is about managing threats of school violence and creating safe school climates, published by the federal initiative for safe schools.

Dr. Jeffrey Kassinove specializes in the treatment of child and adolescent psychological problems. As a former university scholar, he has published and presented extensively on the treatment of anger, addictive behaviors and school related problems. For more information about Dr. Kassinove, visit www.nypsychological.com.

Anonymous First Grade Teacher from Chicago, Illinois, asked: "How should a teacher handle a parent of a student who swears and threatens the teacher frequently? This student is failing across all academic areas and mom refuses to accept possible retention in first grade accusing teacher of failing student intentionally.Present solution by teacher: Teacher presently locks classroom door all the time in case mother comes into school and attempts to come near the teacher to restart verbal threats. Other teachers have had to intervene to stop parent from escalating to possible physical attacks twice in past two weeks."

Dr. Pollack responded: Dear First Grade Teacher: This is a terrible situation, not only for you, but for everyone else involved. Obviously, something is very wrong. The administration of the school needs to support you or some other responsible adult in safely communicating with the parent whom you describe. If that does not allow the parent to act in a more reasonable manner, then you and the school administrators must have the support of the entire school administration in helping that parent to get whatever mental health assistance the parent may require in order to communicate their genuine concern in a more reasonable and less-threatening fashion. While the present situation certainly affects you very negatively, it also creates a school climate where people feel they need to live in fear. Although my hunch is that the parent needs "help," this still cannot be allowed to continue day after day or not only will you and the other teachers feel unsupported; but the other students and that particular student will become confused about their own sense of safety. You need to reach a situation where you no longer are locking yourself in but providing a safe climate where teaching can occur. You cannot do this alone; you need the support of your principal and upper administration, not in a punitive manner but in an authoritative one to make clear that your classroom and school must become and remain a safe place.

Jim from Reno, Nev., asked: "How do I deal with my child, who is a compulsive liar? Just today, I caught her forging her teachers signatures in her homework planner. We just can't seem to get her to understand that she is being disrespectful to herself. Also, we have tried multiple types of discipline: writing letters of apology, extra chores, no TV, no phone, timeouts, etc. etc. We are almost to the point of pulling our hair out.Please help. If you have any ideas , we would be most grateful."

Dr. Kassinove responded: Many children lie. In fact, there is a lot of research to state that it is normal to "white lie." However, when it becomes severe we need to intervene. It is very important that parents are consistent. When I hear that parents have tried different things and that they haven't worked, it may be that the techniques haven't been put into place long enough. I have often had parents tell me they tried everything and nothing works. They report that their child says, "I don't care if you take away my things!" The reality is that they do care and that they are attempting to control you by stating the opposite. Find out what is reinforcing to your child (e.g., cell phone use, TV, computer, spending time with friends, staying up late) and use it to increase honesty. These items are privileges, and they should be granted contingent upon good behavior. In addition, if she tells you she was dishonest for a past event before an authority tells you, lessen the consequence (e.g., so instead of two days without the computer make it only for one day). Reinforce her for honesty and openness. Another thought, is for you as parents to look at how you respond when she does the dishonest act. Do you yell? Chastise her? Or, calmly set a consequence? It is always important to love your child no matter what. You don't have to love her behaviors.

J.Wells from Seattle asked: "I am an elementary school teacher. We have many "at risk" children at our school. I have sometimes been afraid of parents or older siblings, but not usually the children themselves. Still, many of the children are extremely volatile and generally disturbed. What are the signs that a child of 8 or 9 may become violent? Are there such signs?"

Dr. Pollack responded: Dear J. Wells, I wish I could give you a simple list to help predict violence in 8- or 9-year-old children. But there isn't one! Anyone who claims to be able to make such predictions with certainty should certainly be questioned. But here are some thoughts I could share: Young children who have been very aggressive or violent before are more likely than other children to be violent again. In the majority of cases when young children are violent they are in pain emotionally, indeed, often very sad, depressed or abused themselves and use violence as their only outlet for the expression of such pain. That does not mean we should allow violence to occur, but only, as your question suggests, be on the lookout for our young children who seem to be unable to solve their problems without bullying, verbal or physical aggression. We don't want them to become outcasts, but we do want them to receive the help they need to live happier lives. That would allow us all to feel safer.

Penny from Phoenix, asked:"I have a 7-year-old who has a violent temper at school. He has been diagnosed as ADHD and bipolar, but we have tried a wide variety of medicines that seem to work for a little while and then he is back to hitting, biting, spitting, kicking, scratching and calling the teachers not so nice names. I am very worried about him and his school career and what might happen in his later years. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you"

Dr. Kassinove responded: If your child is already classified in special education, it is important that you contact your school psychologist and request a functional behavioral assessment. This will help you and school personnel find out what is the cause of his aggressive behaviors. Your psychologist and his teachers will likely have the skill set to come up with accommodations to reduce these behaviors and increase appropriate behavior (e.g., sitting still and listening to the teacher). Once a functional assessment is completed they can create a behavior plan to reinforce "good" behavior and reduce "bad" behavior. Some form of token system should have a positive effect. You and the school want to teach him that good behavior warrants attention and that he will get good things for doing good behavior. Inappropriate behavior (e.g., spitting, kicking, etc.) should have a negative consequence (e.g., losing tokens or other reinforcers). What is great about these plans is that they are schoolwide. All the staff can participate with him. And you can do a similar approach at home. The key is to praise the positive behavior. We as parents often forget to praise for positive expected behavior.

Lynn from St. Joseph, Mo., asked: "I am a teacher. At our Middle School when bad things happen, it is a hush-hush situation. Most of the time even teachers are not even informed. For instance, there was a death threat letter found … in the individual student's hand. It was taken to the office, but other than Out of School Suspension, nothing else was done. The only way I knew of the situation is that I found the note in the student's hands. I was told to keep quiet about it. Shouldn't the other students and teachers be made aware that these kinds of things really do happen, instead of just masking what really goes on in our school? I'm afraid that someday it's going to go further than a note … and everyone will say 'Gee, I never thought it would happen in our school.'"

Dr. Pollack responded: Dear Lynn, Although there are certain rules and regulations as well as laws (districtwide, local, state and federal) which protect "privacy," it still should be possible to share basic information about any situation of threat and danger with the entire staff, and in an age appropriate manner with the students as well. Soon the U.S. Department of Education and U.S. Secret Service will be posting on their Web sites (as well as McLean Hospital) a study I did in collaboration with them that speaks to the importance of the appropriateness of sharing information in a manner that provides increased safety and comfort for all.

Anonymous from Milwaukee asked: "My 8-year-old son shows a tendency to bully other children regardless of the consequences; both negative and positive reinforcement has failed to change his behavior. I keep thinking his choices will improve with maturity but I think I am mistaken and want to get him off this dangerous path. I do not want this to grow into something bigger!"

Dr. Pollack responded: Dear Anonymous, The vast majority of young children, especially young boys who bully or become aggressive are actually quite upset, sad and even sometimes depressed inside themselves but unable to talk about it. Although reinforcement, certainly positive reinforcement, is a reasonable first intervention, if it is failing you would do well to think about having him see a counselor or licensed mental health clinician who understands that young boys who bully are neither necessarily "bad" nor "mad," but often sad and in need of support. Good luck with this.

Anonymous viewer from Rome, N.Y., asked: "Our 5th-6th grade building does not take threats lightly. Children face possible expulsion for threatening a teacher, i.e., 'I am going to kill Mrs. Smith.'. Are we overreacting?"

Dr. Kassinove responded: Great question. I don't think we as a society we are overreacting. These are very serious threats and we need to err on the side of caution when someone makes a statement like that. The words that we use do matter. It is important for children to respect their peers as well as adults. When children make these threats, a consequence must be given swiftly. We want to teach our children effective ways to communicate their discontent with a teacher or a staff member. Being assertive is a great way for all of us to express ourselves. For example, "Ms. Smith and I are really frustrated with my grade and I'd like you to help me" instead of "Ms. Smith I hate you and I am going to slash your tires." All children should be allowed to express themselves in a healthy manner. But violent threats should be taken seriously and followed up with a consequence as well as assertive education.

Anonymous from Uniontown, Ohio, asked: "I have been teaching third, fourth and fifth grade for most of my 32 years. In the past few years, I have seen a dramatic change in children's reaction toward adults in authority. When children commit acts of aggression or violence at school, parents seem determined to protect their child and 'downplay' these acts blaming other children, teachers, even principals for provoking their child to anger and aggression. Each year the child grows older and wiser, knowing there will be a parent, a pal, to protect them from harm. What I see happening now is that these children are at war with adults who try to stop them from getting what they want or need or who try to embarrass or punish them. Our present system is not working and is not designed to change the attitude of these parents and children. Is the system we currently have flawed?"

Dr. Pollack responded: Dear Anonymous: It seems like you've done a lot of thinking about these problems but still feel quite frustrated. While I understand the tensions that you describe that now exist in many schools and many communities, I'm not sure that it is exactly due to children so much "getting their own way" rather than adults in positions of authority not being able to put aside positive individual time with each child so that connections that support emotional growth and maturity can ensue. Our data and that of other studies about protecting children from harm or harming all show that if a child has one adult at home who loves and cares about them in an appropriate way for enough time each day; and, in turn, one responsible adult in their school whom they feel "understands" them they are significantly more likely to succeed in life, get along well with others and support other students and teachers, as well. Often parents unfairly point fingers toward schools and teachers and this makes teachers feel miserable. Some times schools blame parents and this makes parents feel incompetent. We have to break this negative cycle and put in its place a home-school set of connections where we all feel responsible for the children under our protection; and, in turn, those children little by little learn to take responsibility for themselves, and even, for others, as well. I certainly hope we are moving in that direction or everyone -- teachers, parents, and children -- will be ashamed, disappointed and at risk. By creating these new positive connections, I believe we can avoid negative results and put positive results in its stead.