David Letterman Jokes About Elian Gonzalez, Future Plans in Final 'Late Show' Monologue
The late night host got reflective during his final show. Here's what he said.
— -- David Letterman joked about Elian Gonzalez, Scientology and the late-night battles of the 1990s in the monologue for his final episode of "Late Show" Wednesday.
“I’ll be honest with you: it’s beginning to look like I won’t get the ‘Tonight Show!’” Letterman said.
Letterman had served as a protege to “Tonight Show” legend Johnny Carson, hosting “Late Night with David Letterman” on NBC starting in 1982. But when Carson retired in the early 1990s, NBC chose Jay Leno – and not Letterman – to replace him on “Tonight Show.” So Letterman moved to CBS, competing directly against Leno with “Late Show with David Letterman.”
Letterman also discussed his future job options during Wednesday’s monologue.
“I am sick and tired ... what are you doing to do now that you’re retired? You know what I’m going to do now that I’m retired? I hope to become the new face of Scientology,” Letterman said.
He also discussed Elian Gonzalez, the Cuba native who found himself at the center of an international tug of war between Cuba and the United States in 2000. Gonzalez was recently interviewed by ABC News.
"The kid is 21 years old now, and yesterday he announced he wants to come back to America. My question is, should I take this personally?" Letterman said.
Letterman’s retirement follows 6,028 shows, which, he joked, “Comes out to about eight minutes of laughter.” But hosting your own show has its benefits, a situation that Letterman has grown accustomed to during the past three decades.
“When I screw up now, I have to go on somebody else’s show to apologize,” Letterman said.
Now that his show is coming to a close, Letterman has big plans for himself and sidekick Paul Shaffer: the two will head to Las Vegas, he said, to perform with white tigers at Caesars Palace.
A full transcript of Letterman's monologue below:
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the “Late Show.” I want to tell you one thing: I’ll be honest with ya, it’s beginning to look like I won’t get the “Tonight Show.”
I’ll tell you something else. And I know people are well-meaning, but I am sick and tired of, maybe Paul you get a little of this, what are you gonna do now that you’re retired? What are you gonna do now that you’re retired? You know what I’m going to do? Now that I’m retired? By God, I hope to become the new face of Scientology.
Don’t kid yourself, emotions are running high in this building. I was talking with a sound guy backstage, Dutch. Well you know, come to think of it, that may not be his name, for the last 20 years I’ve been calling everybody “Dutch.” Speaking of emotional farewells, here now is my goodbye, farewell statement to the staff that took place earlier today, I hope you enjoy this [clip plays showing holographic Letterman waving to staff].
People said to me, “Dave, when did you know it was time to retire?” And there were signs, there’s always signs along the way. And I think one of those signs was Todd, the cue card kid, came up to me and said, “For the love of God, Dave, I can’t write the words any bigger.”
Oh, this is a great segment, I love this segment. The name of this segment is “comedy we would have done tomorrow.” This is stuff we had planned that for Thursday, I hope you enjoy it [clip shows Hillary Clinton, a “Mad Max” Supercuts tie-in, and Mike Huckabee’s face on a Big Boy statue].
Here’s something, statistics – Paul and I have been doing this show for 33 years. That’s 6,028 shows. A lot of shows. Earlier today we got a call from Stephen Hawking. And he, bless his heart, had done the math, cause he’s a genius and stuff, and 6,028 shows, and he ran the numbers, and he said, “It works out to about eight minutes of laughter.”
Now here’s a problem when you don’t have your own show anymore, here’s the problem: when I screw up now, and Lord knows I’ll be screwing up, I have to go on somebody else’s show to apologize.
I’ll tell you this, it’s been hard on my family. And I don’t know where the confusion happened, I don’t know where it began, but my son keeps saying, “Why does daddy have to go to prison?”
I remember, Paul you remember this, when we started the show there were mixed responses. On the one hand, some people said the show didn’t have a chance. Remember that? Half of the people said, “That show doesn’t have a chance.” On the other hand, the other half of people said, “That show doesn’t have a prayer.”
I was having trouble sleeping last night … So I was up late and I was dialing around the channels. And I came upon something I thought was sort of enjoyable. So I ran it off, I put it on the thing, I brought it in and wanted to show it with you folks now, maybe you saw it also. Take a look at what I saw last night [plays clip of “The Simpsons” honoring Letterman’s late-night tenure].
Time gets away from you. When we started the show, the biggest program, the hottest show on television, you know what it was? “Keeping Up With the Gabors.” Way down in the vault.
Listen to this – help me out on something. Do you remember Elian Gonzalez? What a case that was. The kid, Cuba, where should he go, the United States, and he’s been in Cuba. You’re not gonna believe this, the kid is 21, 21 years old now. And yesterday, he announced that he wants to come back to America. Now my question to you is, “Should I take this personally?”
Here’s the best part of all – my good friend Paul, more than a guy who’s on television with me every night, great friend, best friend and a wonderful guy. We’re going to continue in show business. Next month will be June in Las Vegas, which, by the way, is the time to go to Las Vegas. Paul and I will be debuting our new act at Caesars Palace with our white tigers.
Like I said, a lot of stuff confuses me, and here’s something else: I guess they’re trying to be supportive, I guess they’re trying to be well-meaning, you know that show, it’s not “Jeopardy!” it’s the other one, “Wheel of Jeopardy” … “Wheel of Fortune.” Look at this [plays clip from show].
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