Expert Tips for Picking Your Relationship Battles Wisely

Expert tips for knowing when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em.

ByABC News
April 6, 2015, 11:43 AM
An etiquette expert offers tips for knowing which battles are worth the fight and when to walk away.
An etiquette expert offers tips for knowing which battles are worth the fight and when to walk away.
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— -- Let's face it: Conflict is a part of all relationships -- even good ones. But conflict with the people we love is often among the hardest to deal with, especially when emotions are running high.

There may not be a perfect way to argue, but there are definitely some ways of fighting better than others. At times, the best way to fight may be to not fight at all.

Jacqueline Whitmore, etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School of Palm Beach, said "healthy relationships hinge on a couple's ability to know which issues are worth fighting over and which ones are worth letting go."

In other words, you've gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em.

"Knowing how to pick your battles is a skill worth mastering," she said.

To make your relationship as healthy as it can be, Whitmore offers 15 tips.

1.Only fight about issues that are truly important. Evaluate the consequences of an argument. Consider a few simple questions: “Is this worth addressing?” And, “Will I care about this tomorrow?” Don’t argue for the sake of arguing.

2. Make a plan. Take a moment to calm down and think through the problem. Don’t attack your partner. Convey your frustration and support your logical argument with facts and examples.

3. Pause for the cause. Review your motivation. Ask yourself, Is this really the problem or is something else bothering me? If you’re stressed about work or finances, you may be more irritable than usual.

4. Don’t react immediately. Walk away from the situation for a few minutes. Calm down and consider what an argument will accomplish. If you choose to fight every battle, you’ll be seen as stubborn or argumentative.

5. Choose the right time. Fighting with your spouse or partner in public will rarely have a positive outcome. Find a quiet place to vent your frustrations in private so you can have an honest conversation without outside pressure.

6. Talk; don’t yell. Both parties will likely become defensive if the fight becomes overly emotional. Practice effective listening. Let your partner know his or her view is valued, even if you don’t completely agree.

7. Agree to disagree. Sometimes compromise seems impossible. Stay positive and defuse the situation with humor, whenever possible.

8. Communicate. Don’t assume your partner knows what you’re feeling. Be specific about what upsets you. Meet each other halfway and try to find a compromise.

9. Solve the problem together. View your partner as your teammate, not your enemy. When you view the situation through that lens, you change the dynamic of the argument.

10. Look in the mirror. Never minimize or cover up your mistakes. Most times, both parties contribute to the problem. Take responsibility for your part, acknowledge your errors and work toward a compromise.

11. Stay calm. Have a respectful conversation. If the situation becomes too tense, take a break. It’s better to step away than it is to let the argument escalate.

12. Preempt the problem. A little prevention goes a long way. Address the situation as soon as you see an issue arise. Be proactive in your approach. Some arguments are simply a difference in perspective.

13. Discuss your issue in person. Disagreements are best addressed face-to-face. Body language and facial expressions help to convey your meaning. Emails and phone conversations can be misinterpreted and may extend the argument unnecessarily.

14. Choose your words carefully. Listen attentively and speak respectfully. Watch what you say and how you say it. Once your words leave your mouth, you can never take them back.

15. Seek help when necessary. Some issues seem to large to solve. When you can’t reach an agreement and you want to keep your relationship intact, seek professional advice. Sometimes a counselor or mediator can shed light on the situation and keep your love alive.