2004: The Year of the Boob
Dec. 28, 2004 — -- The Chinese calendar might suggest otherwise, but 2004 was the Year of the Boob -- from Britney Spears' quickie Vegas wedding, to Janet Jackson's now-legendary Super Bowl striptease, to the owners of the $28,000 grilled cheese sandwich, boobs were everywhere in 2004.
Here's a rundowns of the Top 10 Wolf Files from 2004:
1.Britney's Quickie Wedding
Celebrity marriages aren't known for longevity. Britney's 55-hour mistake of a marriage to longtime pal Jason Alexander after a night of partying in Las Vegas in January hardly qualifies as the shortest in Hollywood history. Zsa Zsa Gabor's eighth marriage, to Count Felipe de Alba of Mexico in 1982, would be hard to beat.
The mariachi wedding band had hardly stopped playing when the union was declared null and void. Gabor found she was still technically married to her seventh husband, divorce lawyer Michael O'Hara, who had extricated her from her sixth marriage. By the time she freed herself of hubby No. 7, she was ready for hubby No. 9.
Still, Spears' instant nuptials reaffirmed Sin City's primacy as the "Wedding Capital of the World." Vegas processes more than 100,000 weddings a year. The city court clerk's office stays open all night on weekends for instant marriage licenses. No blood test necessary. Just bring two forms of ID.
And, of course, fully ordained Elvis impersonators are ready to pronounce you man and wife. Trekkies can boldly go to any one of several chapels where rabbis and ministers offer traditional blessings in the sacred languages of Klingon and Vulcan.
Want to exchange vows without getting out of the car? No problem. Drive-thru chapels will do the trick. Just loosen the safety belt, so you can kiss your beloved after saying "I do," and the preacher at the drive-thru window will hand you your wedding cake in a to-go bag.
In September, Spears married her backup dancer Kevin Federline. Though she had to pay for her own engagement ring, this union, unlike the first one, lasted more than the wedding night, and is still going strong. [Full Story]
2. Janet Jackson's Bust-Out Performance
Janet Jackson's peek-a-boo Super Bowl show caused the planet Earth to temporarily spin off its axis. Whether or not you accepted the lame "wardrobe malfunction" excuse (did anyone?), it's hardly the first time a sporting event was interrupted by a celebrity's wayward breast.
In the aftermath of the Super Bowl fiasco, The Wolf Files documented a litany of celebrity fashion disasters, (sorry, no pixilated pictures of the offenders) humbly pointing out that stars should think twice before entering a big stadium in skimpy couture.
No one knows that better than former "Xena" star Lucy Lawless, who sang the national anthem at a Detroit Red Wings game a few years ago in an ultra-tight bustier. When the Warrior Princess spread her arms to belt out the final note, the land of the brave became the home of the free show. Oh, say, can you see … now? [Full Story]
3. You're Fired … and Trademarked
You can call Donald Trump greedy, but not because he trademarked his catchphrase, "You're Fired." Just about every time-honored TV quip has been registered for all sorts of businesses, from "Kiss My Grits" jams and jellies to "Eat My Shorts" underwear. Somewhere, Bart Simpson is laughing, although his creators were none to pleased with the apparent exploitation.
And what would poor old Charlie Brown say if he knew his famous exclamation "Good Grief" had been used to market a line of urns and bereavement accessories?
Trump is now one of 16 owners of the trademark, "You're Fired." None of the other trademark owners appears to be an "Apprentice" contestant Trump has fired. Maybe that's Omarosa's next move. [Full Story]
4. The Fat Belt Theory: Competitive Eating Is a Skinny Person's Game
Even though you shouldn't judge athletes by their physical appearance, some people still say, "White guys can't jump." Here's a sporting stereotype that might be much more accurate: "Fat guys can't eat."
The Michael Jordan of hot dog eating, Takeru Kobayashi, who weighs just 144 pounds, broke his own world record in July, by wolfing down 53½ franks, and handily beating more hefty opponents, such as 419-pound challenger and reigning cannoli champ Ed "Cookie" Jarvis, who finished in fifth place, downing 27 dogs.
Buck Wolf was on hand at the Coney Island, N.Y., frankfurter contest in July, as part of the play-by-play team on a coast-to-coast broadcast over ABC Radio Networks.
The fastest-rising star on the competitive eating circuit is even skinnier than Kobayashi. Sonya "Black Widow" Thomas weighs just 105 pounds, yet this petite, 36-year-old dynamo set nine world records in recent months, devouring everything from fried asparagus spears (5.75 pounds in 10 minutes) to cheesecake (11 pounds in nine minutes) and hard-boiled eggs (65 eggs in six minutes).
How does Thomas beat fat men at their own game? Some competitive eating fans say that big guys have a roll of fat on their gut that stops their stomach from expanding in time-sensitive tests of gluttony. For big-mouthed, big guys everywhere, the so-called "Fat Belt" theory is too much to swallow. [Full Story]
5. Holy Velveeta! It's a $28,000 Grilled Cheese Sandwich!
In late November, when a partially eaten, 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich said to bear the image of the Virgin Mary sold on eBay for $28,000, you knew it had to be a sign of something, although not necessarily divine.
As it turns out, the toasted miracle wasn't the first time fast food resembling a religious icon has been turned into a shrine. The Miracle Tortilla of Lake Arthur, N.M. -- found by a homemaker while preparing her family's breakfast in 1977 -- is said to bear the face of Jesus. The family's priest reluctantly blessed the tortilla, after trying to tell the woman it was all a coincidence. Nevertheless, thousands of visitors have since seen the Miracle Tortilla, some coming to pray for divine assistance.
Nashville has its famed "Nun Bun," a cinnamon roll discovered at the Bongo Java coffee shop that resembled the late Mother Theresa. This "Immaculate Confection," has drawn such international fame that the saintly nun asked representatives to investigate the phenomena shortly before her death.
The sale of the grilled cheese Virgin Mary opened the floodgates to hundreds of other miracles rendered on toast and available on eBay, including a cheese sandwich with an uncanny likeness to SpongeBob.
Still, another man found the face of God on a burned fish stick, which, it can be assumed, will also soon be put up for auction. Will it also sell for $28,000? We must pray to our blessed grilled cheese sandwich for the answer. [Full Story]
6. Fat Cats and Porky Pooches
Remember a time when a dog could avoid the pounds by outrunning dog catchers? Maybe it's true that pet owners and their pets start to resemble each other, especially around the belly and thighs.
The National Research Council now estimates that up to 25 percent of household pets in Western countries are obese. In the last two years, doggy and kitty heart attacks have risen 47 percent, according to Veterinary Pet Insurance, America's largest pet insurer.
Perhaps that's why overweight critters now have a whole litany of diet plans. The Pedigree Food Company began offering the first high-protein, 12-week doggie diet inspired by the overwhelming success of the Atkins and the South Beach diets. No plans yet for a "Catkins," but cat food is typically high in protein.
After a 12-week program, a hefty hound should drop 10 percent of its body weight, and switch to Pedigree Weight Maintenance, a kibble with 27 percent protein, the company says.
Doggie and kitty health spas have opened in several cities. One New York fitness instructor offers pets and their owners side-by-side yoga classes. But would your cat be willing to do downward-facing dog? [Full Story]
7. Kissability Presidential Polling
Last summer, when Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry invited John Edwards to be his running mate, he quipped "We've got better vision, better ideas … a better sense of what's happening to America. And we've got better hair."
Not so fast, senator. A poll by the Wahl Clipper Company, conducted by Opinion Research Corp., found that 51 percent of Americans actually preferred Bush's hair to his rival's. (Edwards, however, handily beat our follicle-challenged vice president.)
In the era of relentless polling, Americans got bombarded this year with statistical information on such burning questions as, "Which candidate is more kissable?" and "Which presidential hopeful is more fun at the bar?" In many cases, the same pollsters working for politicians were also working for consumer products companies, turning politics into the ultimate brand marketing.
Close-Up toothpaste actually hired the Gallup Organization to interview more than 1,000 people to nail down the kissability factor. Kerry narrowly won the presidential puckering contest 43 percent to 41 percent, yet somehow lost the election. [Full Story]
8. The Infidelity Industry Turns Cheating Into Big Business
Cheating on your spouse is always immoral, sometimes illegal, and if that doesn't matter, a wide range of Web sites are ready to help you play around.
Are you married and looking for a one-night stand? Web sites like "AshleyMadison.com" which boasts the slogan, "When Monogamy Becomes Monotony" and Philanderers.com are among the new dating services for married people who cheat.
The ease of the Internet is one reason women are quickly catching up to men in the arena of extramarital affairs, according to an article in Newsweek earlier this year, which quoted statistics that suggest 30 percent to 40 percent of wives are unfaithful, compared to 50 percent of husbands.
Even if you just need an alibi to explain where you were last night, there are companies willing to send flowers to your mistresses or provide liar-for-hire services, such as an invitation to a bogus convention so you'll have time to play around on your spouse. [Full Story]
9. It's Your Call: Cell Phone Says You've Got Bad Breath
Of all the new products in development, here's my favorite: German telecommunications giant Siemens announced that it was developing a cell phone with a tiny sensor that would alert users if they've got bad breath.
"It examines the air in the immediate vicinity for anything from bad breath and alcohol to atmospheric gas levels," a company spokeswoman said. "Some people take smelling good rather seriously."
It's unclear how soon you'll be able to simultaneously check your voice mail and your breath. Let's just hope Siemens equips its new cell phone with a Tic Tac dispenser. [Full Story]
10. Future of Fortune Telling
Talk about predictable news: In August, with National Psychic Week approaching, the Wolf Files asked several top psychics about the fate of their own profession, and, as you may have predicted, fortune tellers see great things in their own future.
TV psychic Sylvia Browne predicted that psychics would one day serve as Earth's emissaries to visiting extraterrestrials, allowing humans to speak with space aliens.
"It's abundantly clear that we already have extraterrestrials living among us, and people are stepping forward who can communicate with them," Browne, 68, told the Wolf Files.
"We shouldn't be scared of ETs. If they wanted to destroy us, they would have a long time ago."
In the next 25 years, Browne sees a world where robot-servants will become everyday appliances. Doors will lock at the blink of an eye, and we'll take trips to the moon to meet with advanced life forms from other planets.
Other clairvoyants predicted that they would soon be reading DNA just as they read palms. Still others are trying to form a psychic news cable network, so that TV viewers can watch tomorrow's news today.
Florida psychic Jill Dahne predicted that Bush would be re-elected and that a psychic would one day be appointed to a cabinet level position, something like Secretary of Foresight.
Bush has since made several changes to his cabinet, but that move, apparently, has yet to be announced. Just remember, you heard it hear first. [Full Story]
Buck Wolf is entertainment producerat ABCNEWS.com. The Wolf Files ispublished Tuesdays.