Excerpt: 'Deal Breakers'

April 11, 2007 — -- In her new book, "Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away," psychoanalyst Bethany Marshall outlines how women can make romantic relationships work for them. Marshall suggests setting boundaries -- or deal breakers -- to achieve the happiness she believes every woman deserves. The following is an excerpt.

What do you absolutely want out of your relationship? Doyou know?

You may consider yourself wise, self-sufficient, and agood judge of character. Your girlfriend's troubled love lifealways seems transparent and filled with unnecessary drama.But when faced with your own murky relationship waters,the easy answers seem to disappear.

Perhaps it is easy to analyze your girlfriend's relationshipbecause what constitutes a deal breaker for her may notnecessarily constitute a deal breaker for you. Conversely, aromantic situation that seems like nirvana to you might feellike sheer hell for her.

So how can you judge a true deal breaker?

A deal breaker is a character flaw or emotional stance thatsignificantly deteriorates the quality of a relationship. Note: Dealbreakers are not minor annoying habits such as your boyfriend'schewing with his mouth open or your husband's endlessly quotingsports statistics. Rather, they are qualities that erode yourmost cherished aspirations for a satisfying love relationship.

But in order to spot a deal breaker, you must first havea deal. By this, I mean that you must know what you hopeto get out of a relationship (other than two carats in a platinumsetting). Knowing what you want is important becauseall relationships are built upon arrangements. Some are financialarrangements. Some are emotional arrangements. Someare marital arrangements. Some are sexual arrangements. Yourrelationship may contain some, or all, aspects of the arrangementsjust mentioned. Arrangements are best when they areagreed upon by both parties and flexibly negotiated over time.But what if you don't know what you want? Or you settlefor an arrangement that makes you unhappy? Or you grewup in a household where nothing was discussed or explored,so you never learned to ask for what you wanted?

Nicky, a twenty-two-year-old graduate student, came to therapybecause she felt anxious about her "dating" relationship.

I put "dating" in quotes because Nicky revealed to me thather relationship consisted primarily of watching late-night TVtogether, cuddling until four in the morning, and then havingsex. After these nights of so-called passion, her boyfriendwould disappear and forget to call her for several days.

This was not a dating relationship. This was a booty call!But Nicky was young and naive, and had not yet articulatedto herself what she wanted out of a relationship. Thus, shecould not spot a deal breaker even though it was staring herstraight in the face.

I broached the subject of deal breakers by educating Nickyabout normal dating relationships; namely, that a man's willingnessto call in advance and take a woman to dinner isan indicator of his willingness to invest his emotions in her.Nicky's newfound knowledge helped her realize that she wasin a sexual arrangement, not a dating arrangement. Once sheacknowledged that she wanted a boyfriend instead of a sexbuddy, she realized that his lack of emotional investment wasa deal breaker. She told him that she wanted an exclusivedating relationship that involved dinners out and time spentwith mutual friends, but she could tell by his reluctance thathe was not "The One."

If you think back to the last time you were unhappy in arelationship, there is a great likelihood that your partnerwas doing something that undermined the arrangement youwere hoping for. For example, if your boyfriend consistentlyrefused to attend family holidays, then he was probably ruiningyour hopes of a relationship arrangement that includedinterest in each other's life and a possible future together. Ifhe continually questioned your decisions, he could have beenundermining your dreams of a relationship built upon trust.If he flew into irrational jealous rages, then he was possiblydashing your hopes of being in a stable relationship arrangement.

A deal breaker is not a deal breaker unless it destroys somethingthat is precious to you.

But deal breakers are emotional, so they're easy to miss.They're feelings, so there's nothing to sign. And they can bedifficult to talk about, because they're typically unspoken.Here are some important aspects of common relationshiparrangements and the deal breakers that can destroy them: