John Boehner Reveals His Many Things to Weep About

House Speaker John Boehner made his debut on late-night television Thursday evening with an interview on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Sure, he talked failures of Obamacare, midterm elections, the Tea Party (he claims to like them) and jobs, jobs, jobs. He revealed that Ted Cruz was his lawyer. He also talked his love of red wine, weeping, tanning beds and learning to love jackasses. Here are the top 5 moments:

5: Jeb Bush is Boehner's dark horse in 2016, but Boehner enjoys his vices too much to run himself

"I'm not endorsing anybody but Jeb Bush is my friend and I frankly think he'd make a great president," Boehner told Leno.

"You know, I do drink red wine. I smoke cigarettes, and I'm not giving that up to be president of the United States," Boehner later joked.

4: The weepy speaker is fully prepared to shed some tears. Leno asked Boehner whether his parents lived to see his success….

"My parents were alive when I first got elected. My dad passed away after my election, before I took office, and my mother died about five years later of a broken heart. Yeah, she did. My parents were madly in love with each other." [Boehner pulls out folded handkerchief.] "Now I know what you're trying to do. Oh, yeah. I brought my handkerchief."

3. Boehner's role as speaker sometimes akin to Nazi secret police officer

"You know, [for] some members I have to be the big brother figure, [for] some I have to be the father figure, others I have to be the dean of students or the principal. [For] some of them I have to be the Gestapo."

2: The House's tannest man does not frequent tanning beds or use spray tan

"There's no tanning beds! There's no spray-anything. Never. Not once, ever."

1: Boehner grew up around his dad's bar and learned to deal with jackasses

"You grow up around a bar, I mopped floors, did dishes, waited tables, tended bar, and you have to learn to deal with every jack ass who walks in the door."

"It's hard running for office when people can't say your name. You know, my name looks like Beaner, Bonner, Boner. My first race for Congress, I was running against a guy named Kindness. But thank God my name wasn't Wiener."