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Lady Gaga‘s latest video takes a journey back to what she calls one of the worst days of her life.

The singer premiered her 13-minute video for “Marry the Night” Thursday night as part of an E! special, saying the clip reflects the emotions she felt when she was dropped from her first record label, Island Def Jam. She told E!, “It is my personal way of seeing things.”

Gaga certainly has an interesting perspective in the video. The clip begins with a pale-faced Gaga — with short, dark hair — being carried on a gurney in a hospital. She tells a nurse, “I’m gonna be a star. You know why? Because I have nothing left to lose.”

The video then transitions to scenes of her performing ballet in an empty theater, as well as shots of a topless Gaga going crazy in a bedroom after speaking French over the phone. Her breasts are censored, naturally.

Gaga told E! that she blacked out the morning after taping the semi-nude scene and can’t remember that particular shoot.

After the Gaga meltdown, the video really kicks off, with Gaga abandoning an exploding car and then performing with her dancers.