Ellen DeGeneres Doesn’t Disappoint With Oscars Opening Monologue

Mar 2, 2014 9:56pm

Ellen DeGeneres brought the laughs right from the start of the Oscars and got in a few sly digs while she was at it.

Here were some of her best:

“For those of you watching around the world, it’s been a tough couple of days for us. It has been raining. We’re fine. Thank you for your prayers.”

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“I hosted seven years ago, and I’m honored and flattered that they had me back so quickly. Things are so different now. Last time for instance when I was here Cate Blanchett was nominated, Meryl Streep was nominated, Leonardo DiCaprio was nominated, Martin Scorsese. It’s so different.”

DeGeneres then addressed the 84-year-old June Squibb, while shouting to make sure she heard her. “I’M TELLING EVERYONE YOU WERE WONDERFUL IN NEBRASKA,” DeGeneres joked.

Pointing out other first-time nominees, DeGeneres said, “Lupita Nyong’o is here. She is from Kenya. She is a Kenyan. Barkhad Abdi from ‘Captain Phillips’ is here. He is nominated He is from Somalia. He is a sommelier. So he knows a lot about wine. Who’s the wine captain now?!”

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DeGeneres also gave a shout out to the real-life Captain Richard Phillips and Philomena Lee and then jokingly took notice of the “best Liza Minnelli impersonator” she’d ever seen. “Really, a great job, sir,” she joked to the real Liza Minnelli.

“I’m not saying movies are the most important thing in the world because we all know the most important thing in the world is youth. But really, we know that the most important thing in life is love and friendship and family. And if people don’t have those things, they usually get into show business. We are all one big frightened family.”

“Of course, one of the nominees is ‘Her,’ and by her, I mean Meryl Streep.”

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DeGeneres did not let Jennifer Lawrence escape either, not only bringing up her fall last year, but her stumble on the red carpetbefore this year’s Oscars. “If you win tonight, I think we should bring you the Oscar,” DeGeneres quipped.

She concluded her monologue with a zinger.

“Anything can happen,” she said. “So many different possibilities. Possibility number one: ’12 Years A Slave’ wins best picture. Possibility number two: You’re all racists.”

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