Birds and Bees: Tips for Having ‘The Talk’ With Kids

Sep 22, 2011 7:05am
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This morning on “Good Morning America” we asked the question: How old should children be for parents to start talking to them about sex?

Is it 8 to 12 years old? 12 to 15? 15 to 18?

Bringing up the intimate topic can be difficult, sometimes embarrassing, for many parents, but having “the talk” with your children is a necessity, experts say.

Here are few tips from ABC News’ Health and Medical editor Dr. Richard Besser for how you can broach the tricky subject with your child.

It’s not just ‘the talk.’ Make sure to have a series of talks with your children. They may be uncomfortable asking you questions initially, so be sure to come back to the subject and keep the door open.

Start when your child is young and talk about his or her body’s changes. Keep the conversations age-appropriate.

Children are internet-savvy, so be sure to ask them what they already know and verify that their information is correct.

Other Tips for Talking to Your Kids

Planned Parenthood says it’s best to begin talking to children about sexuality during early childhood. But don’t worry if you haven’t started yet. It’s never too late. Just don’t try to “catch up” all at once. The most important thing is to be open and available whenever a child wants to talk.

Planned Parenthood offers other tips on how to initiate the conversation:

There are four basic steps that can help parents talk to their children about sex.

Step 1: Validate your child’s question and ask why they’re asking.

If your child approaches you, you might say something like, “That’s a really interesting question. How did that come up today? Why are you asking me that today?”

Don’t assume there’s anything beside curiosity behind the question. A young girl may ask a question about pregnancy without being pregnant. A young boy may ask a question about condoms without planning to have sexual intercourse.

Step 2: Ask, “What do you think?”

What seems like a straightforward question might not be. To find out the true nature of the question, you might ask, “What have you heard about that?” “What do you think about that?” or “Can you tell me what you already know about that?”

Step 3: Answer the question honestly, based on your values.

It is very important to gain children’s trust when talking with them about sex so they feel comfortable approaching you about decisions and questions. Answer questions age-appropriately. Pre-teens and younger adolescents may need simpler, more concrete answers. The ability to handle more information and more sophisticated information increases with age, but if they are old enough to ask, they are old enough to understand the facts.

Additional Tips on Talking About Sex

It is also important to tell children or teens about your values and beliefs and to understand theirs. You might say to a teen, “I don’t believe anyone is allowed to pressure or force anyone else to have sex, even in a relationship. Do you agree with that?”

Step 4: Ask your child if they understand the answer.

After answering the question, ask, “Does that answer your question?” Ask them to tell you what they heard. You may even want to bring up issues you already talked about to find out how much your child understood during the previous conversation.

Try to be open and available when a child wants to talk.

Some common fears that many parents have include:

Looking dumb. Many of us weren’t taught about sex and sexuality, yet we may feel that we should know all the answers. But if our children ask us about something we don’t know, we can simply say, “I don’t know. Let’s find out together.”

Feeling embarrassed. It’s very common for parents or children to feel embarrassed when talking about sex and sexuality. The best way to handle it is to admit how we’re feeling — we can simply say, “I might get a little tense or uncomfortable during this conversation, and you might, too. That’s OK for both of us — it’s totally normal.”

Encouraging sexual experimentation. There is a myth that information about sex is harmful to children and that it will lead to sexual experimentation. The fact is that our children won’t be more likely to have sex if we talk about it. In reality, kids who talk with their parents about sex are more likely to postpone having sex.

Feeling as though talking won’t make a difference. Children look to their parents to teach them about sexuality. Most young people prefer to hear about it from their parents than from other people. In fact, young adolescents place parents at the top of their list of influences when it comes to their sexual attitudes and behaviors.

- Source: Planned Parenthood

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