The most difficult moment of my first pregnancy was actually immediately  after the pregnancy, when I thought I had failed at the very first thing a mother should do, breastfeed.  It was a painful and daunting task that made me feel uncomfortable and frustrated.  I just did not take to breastfeeding, though I tried very hard because I am NO quitter.  Not to mention, the peer pressure of everything that I had read online and in books made me feel so guilty if I didn’t breastfeed my baby.

So when I brought my little girl home  (7 yrs ago) scared and shocked by how quickly I had just become a mother I gave it my best shot. But something wasn’t right and I was miserable, oh and my nipples were bleeding.   So yeah I was pretty much done with that!  Not only was I in pain but I was living in my pajamas and felt like a prisoner in my own home.  It was bad enough that I was slightly traumatized by the labor and emergency c-section, but now I had something clinging to me and actually physically needed me to survive.  I thought wow, Motherhood sure isn’t kidding around!

I then went on to suffer from Postpartum Depression or  PPD for short.  How did I know I was depressed?  Well, everyone has “that moment” the moment when you just know and If you really want to know mine, keep reading.

Every time I drove with my new baby all snuggled in her car seat I thought about purposefully getting into a car accident, crashing into the other lane of traffic or going off the side of the road into a ditch.  Just to see if she would survive the crash.  It was scary and disturbing.  But actually that is not what actually caused me to go in to see my doctor.

The incident that caused alarm was at about  1am in the morning and I was rocking her and she was crying and I was crying and I wasn’t doing anything but staring off into space, I was frozen and couldn’t get up.  It was if motherhood was too much to bear and all that weight was pushing down on me.  I refused to put her down, feed her, or change her. I just tuned out the crying and rocked.  My husband finally woke up and found me in this state  (who knows how long I was like this) and I wouldn’t look at him, speak or give him the baby.  I was shaking, exhausted, crying and holding the baby too tight. Finally my husband had to use some force to yank her out of my arms.  It was the next day I made an appointment to go in and see my doctor for help.

I have never written about this and I’m not sure I even told my Mom about these things. (sorry Mom)

Becoming pregnant changed my life, and I’d love to hear more about your best or most difficult pregnancy moments. By replying, you will be entered to win an exclusive Million Moms Challenge Gift Pack, which includes an all expenses paid trip to a conference on mothers hosted by the UN Foundation in DC (Jan/Feb 2012), an iPad2, a custom-made Million Moms Challenge pendant and $50 donation in your name to Global Giving.

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This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Million Moms Challenge. The opinions and text are all mine. Contest runs September 19 to October 16, 2011. A random winner will be announced by October 18, 2011.

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