Delayed Magic
What went through my mind when I first held my baby? Before I can answer that, I would need to go back 23 years to my birth and start from there…
Let’s just say my mom’s delivery of me, her first born, didn’t go as planned. After 36 hours of laboring, she underwent a traumatic emergency c-section in order to save my life. I won’t go into crazy detail, but let’s just say… it wasn’t pretty. This was the story I grew up hearing and quite honestly was probably one of the first things that went through my head when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Fear of what path my body was now on. Would I be able to deliver normally without having to go through a c-section or was I heading down the same path as my mom. If I was traveling her same trajectory, would it be as traumatic or will it be simple and peaceful? So many things went through my mind.
As fate would have it, the apple didn’t fall to far from the tree. I went two weeks over my due date and then my doctor finally scheduled an induction. After laboring for 11 hours, 4 with an epidural, I noticed that my epidural was starting to lose its effectiveness. I called for the nurse and she then called for the doctor. He came into the room, checked a few things, left the room and came back a few minutes later with a swarm of people starting to prep me for surgery.
He didn’t say, “We think it’s time for a c-section, would that be alright with you?” He just went to work. My worst fear was coming to fruition. I panicked. In desperation I asked the nurse if there was anything she could do to help calm my nerves. Her sweet answer, NO. I felt helpless and feared that I was heading into my own personal hell.
Part of the reason my mother’s experience was so bad was because she wasn’t properly numbed before they started the surgery. It turns out that we have a family history of a high tolerance to drugs and pain killers don’t work in the normal dosages. I managed to communicate that to the doctor and luckily he listened, my mom’s doctor didn’t. It took an extra 30 minutes for my body to be fully numbed in order to perform surgery. As a side effect to the extra medicine, the epidural (which is only supposed to work up to my chest level) was working all the way up to the top of my head. It was dangerous and nearly impossible to keep my eyes open. Not only that, I had to concentrate on breathing as well.
Once my daughter was born the nurse came over and tried to show her to me. All I could think about at the time was… “I can’t possibly deal with that right now.”
What was wrong with me?! Ever since I could remember all I’ve ever wanted was to be a mom. The minute my daughter is finally born all I could do was think about myself? I didn’t look into her tiny little eyes and have this magical moment; I was too worried about trying to open my eyes to even see her and continue to breathe. Since then, I have harbored so much guilt for that thought. It wasn’t until I really analyzed the situation that I have softened up a bit.
For most women, giving birth is the most traumatic thing their bodies have ever been through. Yes, the birth of their child is magical. But for some of us, we have to worry about our physical health first, and then have our magical moment a little while later. We can’t beat ourselves up for that. We have years of magical moments to look forward to. If the very first one isn’t what we had envisioned, it’s alright! That doesn’t mean that we love our sweet baby any less.
Delayed magic is still magic. I have since had many precious moments with my daughter and her three other siblings. It just took a moment or two to collect myself to be ready to look into her eyes, and connect with her precious spirit. That doesn’t make me a bad mom… that makes me human.
Childbirth is such an incredible moment, and I’d love to know what went through your mind when you held your baby for the first time? By replying, you will be entered to win an exclusive Million Moms Challenge Gift Pack, which includes an iPad2, a custom-made Million Moms Challenge pendant and a $50 donation in your name to Global Giving.
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This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Million Moms Challenge. The opinions and text are all mine. Contest runs October 17 to November 13, 2011. A random winner will be announced by November 15, 2011.