Father’s Day gifts are tough, especially in the political world, where you never quite know what people want, because they’re rarely telling you the truth.
We’ve compiled a gift list of what we think suits some of the more noteworthy dads. We definitely know that neither Obama nor Romney want a tie (get it? like, in the polls).
President Obama: This guy needs a watch. He’s late for almost everything. On Friday, when he announced he was loosening deportation rules, he kept the cameras waiting for an hour in the White House Rose Garden. Make sure that watch has an alarm button.
Mitt Romney: A fire extinguisher. You can’t be too careful if you’re out there saying the country doesn’t need any more firefighters. What else do you get the man who has everything? An elevator for his car elevators?
Newt Gingrich: A phone call from Sheldon Adelson. Just to check in. It’s gonna be all right, buddy.
Tim Pawlenty: Someone, anyone, from the Romney campaign to start vetting him. Just a courtesy vetting. Hey, there’s always the Interior Department slot, right?
Donald Trump: How about a new Obama conspiracy theory? The birther gag is getting old.
Neil Munro: That permanent White House press pass is looking nice.
David Cameron: A day in the life of a U.S. president. For all of the tribulations Obama goes through daily, it’s a cake walk compared with being put on the stand to testify about a media scandal. Do they have Father’s Day in Britain?
Rob Portman: Get the guy a joke book.
Bill Clinton: A new phone line the Obama campaign doesn’t know about. “Hi, Bill? Yeah, us again. Listen, we’re having a fundraiser tomorrow night. Oh, how about that – it’s right next to your house! Say, think you might want to drop by?”