I Do Not Enjoy Sex With My Partner. What Do I Say to Help Improve our Bedroom Encounters?

February 13, 2009 -- Question: I love my significant other and I enjoy sex, but I don't enjoy sex with my partner. How can I improve our bedroom encounters, and what do I say to him/her to broach the topic?

Answer: That is an important issue and one that is definitely worth tackling. If you want to tackle this issue then you have to do it really carefully. There's nothing that makes a person feel more vulnerable than for you to give them negative feedback on themselves and their sexual selves. So the way to do it is actually to plan ahead. And don't just spring this on the person. You do some homework yourself.

Think about some of things that go right sexually and make yourself a list of some good feedback you can give that person about things they do in general: how they look, ways they touch you that you like, ways they smell, ways they taste -- so that you have a list of some nice things to say to them. Because that's the spoonful of sugar that's going to make the medicine go down.

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Then, make a specific time to talk to them. Give them first all that nice feedback and then ask them for one small thing that they could change and if it's something like: this is how I'd like you to kiss me, or this is how I'd like you to touch me -- show them and actually practice.

And make a time to do that and just try and get that one little change. And if it happens give them good feedback and set it aside for the next time. And that's the start, it's a process.

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