Transcript for Jimmy Kimmel at the 2012 White House Correspondents' Dinner
Hi Campbell thing. Before I begin my presentation tonight have put something special together this is something we do on my show every week we picture and that helped the FCC keep our public airwaves squeaky clean. By believing in blurring things whether they needed or not and with that said please. He's enjoy a special White House Correspondents' Association dinner version of this week in unnecessary censorship. Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen thank you for coming to the White House for your daily and I've told leaders of both parties that they must come up with a fair compromise in the next few days that can pass both houses of congress. And a cut and that I can. President Obama says has asked and time of the Gulf Coast trying to find bipartisan Health Care Reform on Capitol Hill. It's sort of like children tried and in accordance. I have. And with homosexuals since 1968. I'm a regular guy with the big. I like being able to people who provide services to make Harry Reid just wants to put his finger is and saying you're not getting enough. You and the administration look these are gigantic packages I understand. What pork where politics is all about I. And you and mine that was a great interview thank you but I enjoyed being at banks get even you Texas. She's not all of the person that I have. I have and a lot of people the only thing about this particular one is yes she happened to be female part promise you. The president hasn't been nick. I promised the Irish prime minister he was crazy was introduced and the president handled wonderful time. We can't spend all day whenever I thought my seventh and you. As and all you rarely goes I think Andre. That's about a minute or two. I'm sort of joke out of. And now. I'd like to introduce a comedian who I think we'll be at particular hit with the journalists in this room. Jimmy Kimmel is known in the world of comedy not only for his sense of humor but for his work ethic and his tenacity. And for those of us familiar with the ups and downs in the media business what's not to like about a guy who's been fired from or radio station. Ladies and gentlemen. It's my pleasure to introduce Jimmy cannot host of ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live. He had good evening ladies and gentlemen distinguished guests Mr. President salaam. It is wonderful to be here they told me this to be a very. High profile event with some of the most powerful people of the world's they did not tell me I'd be looking directly to sow fear of recurrence cleavage. I saw you texting. Sophia is from Colombia. This will limit look like in Colombia what do you expect the Secret Service to do. We won't be able to laugh at any of my jokes about the Secret Service so. Cover your ears if that's physically possible. The the it. I do a lot of jokes about the Secret Service. You know I told them for 800 dollars I wouldn't tell moment they only offered thirty self. Okay. See that congress is taking this very seriously David Vitter even went so far to fly down to Colombia to investigate this first. Yeah I know the administration and cracking down but it. If this happened on president Clinton's watch. You can damn well bet those Secret Service agents would have been disciplined with a very serious high five. Palms would be beat red. Quick announcement if anyone has tickets to the GSA after party the plane is leaving for the four seasons in Dubai at midnight on the dot. There will be later you'll miss out on your complimentary white tiger Cobb. Seattle Washington Hilton for hosting us tonight you know President Obama wanted to move the dinner. To the Kennedy Center this year but the Republicans wanted to keep it here at the Helms so. They compromised and here we are at the Helm. I. I'm staying at the hotel and I'll be honest it is engraved at this team's rooms last night. Because there's a huge lead in the room above me and I guess Peter Orszag left his mouth on. He told me guys who like going he told me a lot of stuff. But it's an honor to be here you know he told me when as a kid that I would be sending on the same day as with president Barack Obama either. But is it the president's name is Barack Obama. This surprising you remember. Remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a better tomorrow. Fell as whole areas. But honestly it is it's a thrill for me to be here with the president Mandy was I think on his domestic goddess some very difficult times and paid a heavy price for it. You know there's a term for guys like President Obama. Probably not two terms but. In some of your fellow Democrats figure pushover Mr. President they would like to see you stick to your guns. A you don't have any guns you like this see you ask Eric Holder to get some more you. Jake Tapper of. Kinda hard to be funny with the president acted sitting right next to you looking here and yet somehow they in and day out Joseph Biden manages to do it. Here. I was easier so he gets it behind me and fake clapped her like he does during the State of the Union Address. Are you joining us through this one for you this is the first meal he's had in months. They say diplomacy is a matter of carrots and sticks and since mrs. Obama got to the White House so is dinner. You're very skinny she doesn't let you react so weird about eating dessert I left it on touch that never done that before. You know the real reason people thought your from Kenya had nothing to do with your birth certificate. Because you lost so much weight we thought you're the guy who won the Boston Marathon. This country's in bad shape. Our president is starving. Korea is sending him food aid. I had the opportunities that next the First Lady tonight he's very very nice and no matter what side of the fence you're on you have to admit. She's done a lot of good work she just wants us to be healthy really is off. Mrs. Obama. Look it's Chris Christie get him. It. You know they say that inside every American governor is a president struggling to get out and Chris Christie's case. It's the only one where you can still hear him screaming. He might be misunderstanding New Jersey slogan it's not the olive garden state. The truth is the First Lady is right Americans are in terrible shape he could even tell how. I don't think we are but the way we protest we used to march now we occupy. Secret congratulated the occupy protesters. It took months and months of but Julie oil and tacky sacked but finally Wall Street isn't greedy anymore congratulate. White house press attacked secretary Jay Carney is whether solo Jiang. Jays as you know anomalies Press Secretary EU also known as the white guy from every LensCrafters commercial. One of today's jobs is to keep track of all the Hillary grosans. For those of you who aren't familiar with this story Kim Lindsay etc. Hilary Rosen is the woman is said and Romney never worked a day in her life. Even though mrs. Romney raised five kids and of course. The administration tried to distance itself from those comments it's that she's not an advisor to the Obama campaign. Even though as we later found out her name appeared on the White House visitor log 35 times. So when reporters that JY earnings are up 35 times this is wary until areas. He said he wasn't sure it was the same Hilary Rosen he said I personally know three Hilary rose. You personally know three Hillary rather. Where you're always Hillary roses don't did you pick them and they Hilary Rosen guard and I bet you 101000 dollars you don't know three Hilary Rosen is when I'm not running for president so. Three Hillary's. That sounds like president Clinton's worst nightmare. Then Rush Limbaugh here. People are still upset with a rod for comments he made about Sandra flopping you know what. There's a reason mr. Limbaugh so what he said and that reason is per cassette. By villagers to clear things up for the extreme right wingers. Here's the difference between Bill Maher and Rush Limbaugh the people who watch Nomar know he's. This. Is. My first time here. Every news organization I guess has its own table scripts is here thank god just in case the spelling Bree Brooks at breaks out we have that covered. We have numerous members of the print media in attendance which reminds me of a riddle what's black and white and red all over. Nothing anymore. Really the Christie jokes are OK but now the. Britain's CNN tables are the CNN tables real tables are virtual tables. Every election year CNN comes up with new and increasingly a amazing technology they have the magic wall this year they had a hologram for years ago. And yet with all their technical wizardry. They still haven't figured out a way to make James Carville look less like a careless boiled at. But if you cable news anchors wrote books this year Chris Matthews of MSNBC road. Biography of JFK. It's 427. Pages long core Rick Santorum was throwing up all night. Bill all right good controversial book about another great president called killing Lincoln. I actually have my own theory about Lincoln's death I think John Wilkes Booth was innocent. I don't even think it was an assassination I believe that Abraham Lincoln had a vision about what the Republican Party would be common a 150 years. And he shot himself. Okay. Or did Rupert Murdoch packed into all my jokes are ready. Some people think Rupert Murdoch was intentionally trying to appear to be confused when he testified in front of the British government but I don't know the man is 81 years old and I think you have to know how to use a cell phone. Before he can figure out how to hack into one. Rupert Murdoch paid 580 million dollars for MySpace clearly he knows nothing about technology. Fox News is the grumpy old man of cable loud stubborn little bit out of touch with reality. Just animal removed. Is the fox mole here by the way. I like to take a moment to salute the fox mole. We're not for his brave sacrifice the world may never known that the bathrooms at fox were over due for renovation. Videos and getting caught right away doesn't make you a moment makes who have freckle. As a result of all the success fox news's had MSNBC has moved a bit to the left. Of Hugo Chavez lately. MSNBC has a very big star now in Rachel Maddow Rachel poster on show he's a best selling author. And yet somehow she still manages to find time to cut her own hair. The Rachel was a very different hairstyle when Jennifer Aniston had it. Rachel Maddow also wrote a book in it she argues that the unchecked expansion of executive power since Vietnam has resulted in a country that is perpetually at war which comes that disastrous cost not only financially but to the very ideals. On which the United States. Was founded. Women nag nag net you know. There are a lot of very big celebrities here with us tonight and he is here. And ease the dog from the movie the artist and he is amazing he he can roll over. On command he's a Democrat. He had some advice if Mitt Romney ever invites you to go for ride. Call shotgun. And if the president tries to butter you run. Last week we learned that the president's team favorite steaks are written by and seeing a high. You know you don't have to reveal everything in an autobiography right at me. You can leave some things out when you Google a dog park is is it the same as when we look at a tank full of lobsters. The president was very candid and an interview with the Atlantic a couple of weeks ago when he called Kanye West a jackass. Which no offense or but I think you got the wrong lesson think you meant Alan. Well let's look the same to you. George Clooney is here tonight tomorrow he sent to appear before Allen west in the house un American activities committee. George is hosting a fund raiser event for the Obama campaign. For three dollars you can at the raffle and the winner gets to have dinner with the president at George Clooney's house. And I'm I for one of always dreamed of eating a hot pocket with the president and bat man. And now I can do it for only three bucks and if you don't win raffle maybe it's still win dinner with George himself. If you are a six foot one blonde with a perfect body. Sully Sullenberger where's Sully Sullenberger I met him outside the so it would you can look as a favor would you mind driving Lindsay Lohan home. Make sure you don't run into a blues especially gray goats. George Stephanopoulos is here Good Morning America just beat The Today Show for the first time in sixty. George is riding well hi maybe isn't a word but let's say let's see he's very pleased. Sixteen years is along for sixteen years ago there was no FaceBook there was no Google and the tweet was something Barbara Walters gave her dog. This. This is really incredible I mean. What a collection of people here are one room we have members of the media politicians corporate executives. Advertisers lobbyists and celebrity's. Everything that is wrong with America is here in this room tonight. Unfortunately the speaker of the house John Boehner isn't. Apparently yours aren't the only dinner invitations he declines mrs. Obama up don't take it personally probably just afraid some Alaskan pass the salt we won't have the votes. Erica I can't or couldn't be here tonight he's at the gym working out his gavel arm. This Boehner can't refute fascinates me as most of you know it started during the debt ceiling negotiations when they couldn't agree on the move the wording of the ransom note. And it went downhill from there. Interesting fact about speaker Boehner the reason he smokes so many cigarettes is his tears keep putting them out. Minority leader Nancy Pelosi is in here tonight either but her her lipstick is that it's on my glass at him from last year Nancy Pelosi believes in lipstick the same way she believes in government. Too much is never enough. Jake Tapper also wrote that when. I've been I. Can't say I've been having a lot of fun here in Washington it's it's a great city of all the history in monuments. I was at the Lincoln Memorial last night just pay standing there in all thing a while back in the sixties. On this very spot. Forrest Gump reunited with Jenny. The people are interest experience on to have conversations. With people were so passionate about politics a talk to die. Who is a huge supporter of Obama care and and a guy who says it's is disasters that should be killed immediately and was interesting because I've never met Mitt Romney before. He is. The inevitable Republican candidate for president ism has amazing story don't they pick them out of a Lands' End catalog that's how he's discovered. Some people say Mitt Romney won't be elected president because he's Mormon and I think that's ignorant and this country is more open minded and that. We elected an African American president. We would absolutely elect a Mormon president just not Mitt Romney. Stevie Wonder just that we elected an African American president. We heard Eric heard from compare Romney's campaign to an Etch A Sketch and I don't know when I think. Mitt Romney I don't think Etch A Sketch I think twister. One foot on red the other on blue and both hands on green. Mitt has trouble connecting with a regular QB can have a beer with them because he doesn't drink. He can't have a cup coffee Wear them because you can have caffeine you can't even play monopoly with them because keeps trying to put the dog on the car. What if you're Republican you know there is a much rejoicing at Rick Santorum is out. I guess it just wasn't rich year rich years 1954. You know it's one thing to oppose gay marriage it's another altogether to do it in a sweater vest. Any end Rick Santorum may not have won the nomination but he succeeded in getting his message out not just two Americans. But to people all of flat the world. Ron Paul is still in area schools begin with a to meet Ron Paul looks like the guy who gets under hooded at the end of every scooby do episode. It's great to see the Gingrich's. Here tonight because I guess that means the check clear. Nude I have a question how can you be against gay marriage when you yourself are the son of two gay parents. The Michelin Man in the state puff marshmallow man. I don't understand politicians are against. Gay marriage I don't understand anyone is against gay marriage and ruin you really think about it. Aren't all marriages kinda gay and I mean. As a man when you get married especially where he's saying is I'll never touch another woman as long as I live. Now let's put jewelry on each other in dance. Not that it's any of my business mr. Gingrich Hawaii waiting until Tuesday to drop out of its. Just do it now until it's time to mid or get off the pot. The election process is change a lot over the last ten years as you know the president finally gave in and agreed to a super pac. Which initially Vice President Biden was very excited about until he found out that the super pac is a one of those big boxes of all the different kinds of chips. Aren't subject of super pacs let's get rid of super committee's super committee's Arctic committees. What super cuts is to cops. All right it's time for the fun part of the evening I'd like everyone to look on your seats come under each one you'll find a copy of keep Goldman's Reza met. Is he here tonight. Nomo one pick them up. The thing about Keith Olbermann is he so likable. Al Gore launched current TV in 2005 and it took off like a North Korean rocket. To be honest I and even know current TV was still on the air but then I don't get channel a million. Keith Olbermann bird more bridges than the arsonist of Madison County this. He has more pink slips than Marcus Bachmann. Too soon he's in. If you're unfamiliar markets bodman he plays Cameron on the show modern family stand up but it where are you Marcus. How to area. And. Have you one question for Mr. President what's with the marijuana crackdown I mean seriously what is the concern we will deplete the nation's funnier and supplying. You don't pot smokers vote to sometimes a week after the election but they vote. Let's take a quick poll I would like everyone is fundraiser to raise your hand if you've never smoked pot. Look at Rick Hume he's high right now. He's honest work on the macaroni. Mr. President I'll be hoping amount liner but marijuana is something they're real people care about and the fact. That you believe speaker Boehner when he tells you still has control of his party leads me to believe that you must be smoking some crazy great we yourself. Woody Harrelson just woke up. As we know now last year at this dinner President Obama had his team on the way to kill Osama bin Laden. So who will it be this year. But the biggest threat to America right now she's right there her name is Kim guard at the end. He was captured by Greta Van Susteren and brought right to your doorstep. You don't when you took office but our guys he's had one reality show now they have four. This is not a good trend. Right now navy navy seal team six is outside the car dashing compound in Beverly Hills. Disguised as the Denver nugget so they can sneak in and attack. I have a question. Who are these people who think it would be a good idea to attack Iran I hear people say. Bomb home Newcombe just do it now the there are real bunch of Yahoo! owns and Netanyahu's. There's only one way to have peace between the Israelis and the Arabs instead of focusing on their differences they should focus on what they have in common. Which is a mutual love awful awful and terrible dance music. I don't understand all that anger that is directed at the present even if you disagree with his politics he's funnies. Athletic is a beautiful singing voice he's devoted to his family even with all the responsibilities. He still finds time to go to his kids' soccer game to move the goalposts. And I think that's commendable. Pres Obama wants everyone in America to have health care whether we want it or not. I think that figured out you're not from Kenya it's even worse you're from Canada. This Health Care Reform thing as a lot of people very angry to seems to be a lot of anger in general. And later Joseph meant a pregnant serious. For a moment I believe that we truly want to overcome the problems that we face we have to do together. We cannot forget this country is a great country this is a land of liberty and justice for all and it doesn't matter. If you're black like President Obama or white like President Obama. Or read like president Obama's agenda. Or aren't like speaker Boehner. America is and will always be as a great man once put it a place where managed judged not by the color of his skin but rather by the number of his Twitter followers. It has been an honor for me to be here before so many members of the Washington and national media. You're here tonight because as journalists you care about freedom. Free speech but free press the most importantly. Pre dinner. Some people say journalism isn't declined receive become too politicized. Too focused on sensationalism they say he no longer honor your duty to inform America. But it's that actively try to divide us so your corporal rewards can rake in the profits. Our have a job for this obviously you know what some people sank. It really has been an honor for me to be here tonight and I like to thank terrible and for inviting me and Jake Tapper for. Writing all the jokes you've been likened. Also I think mr. mills might tenth grade high school history teacher who said I'd never amount to anything if I kept screwing around in class. Mr. mills of about the high five the president of the United States. No thank you. And about.
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