Transcript for Cecily Strong Remarks at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner
Aren't able to get your plus 100 Zealand's from. Stick it must be so pissed about the jinx. It's Syria met with financing. Case there next season pick someone who definitely did it. Like some Manson Knox. DNA on the ninth eakins. NBC is here. Even ask that lesson now got criticized this year for making fun of ice says. I think that's unfair I mean if anyone is guilty of taking ice is too lightly at some. And. What can I say about Brian Williams. Nothing because I worked for NBC. There's you stars from so many great show this year. We are really in a golden age of television you know but I have to say I still see so many negative for trails the black and gay people out there I mean. It's two dozen fifteen and we still live TV characters like Don lemon. It's ridiculous. Passive ABC black inches here where it is. I think is very inappropriate after the way they treated those whales consumer. Cassidy epic fantasy series game of fronts is here and they tell me that even they have never seen this many nerds before. Can't you cannot hear. Now Naomi you're lucky Hillary Clinton is not here because if use through your Blackberry at her that she wed just delete everything right up from him. Good transcendence user private email because she didn't wanna use more than two devices. Now that sounds familiar it's because it's also one of the rules from the sex contact in fifty shades of brown home. Some cash and that's an happy it's here. Thanks your generous donation from the constituents of parents. Now now speaking of parents shy and you maintenance I'm a little it's not. And I just got back from the most fabulous trip that air and check man and eyebrow I think M photos to share it via them. The proud millionaire now with this picture of sex surfing in Hawaii but these might announce some of them. That's it does yeah. I didn't need a third. Court I just used Arens have. Every red diving into the school's swimming pool he had built. It hurt when I Atlantans. And here's that Meehan Aaron sky diving. Aaron said he made his own parents sued Addison gives his constituents they have them. Plus three. And here we aren't Eiffel Tower in Paris. Paris is so beautiful Mr. President you should really think about going there sometime. Up. I have about it since and now. Yeah and I took to California. We must have done this for hours and hours Judd so much wasted water. I am. Here Aaron Sachs and -- as certain islands. Here we are after hunting the dying societies. May mean US isn't in the Elian. They're doing he rants go. Oh man here in I Regis had so much fun and no. I know it's are thinking but it was not romantic. It was strictly a friendship trip he reminded me every day. For that couple you. But just didn't parents sacrosanct doesn't mean that there are not any smoking hot congressman laps I mean. Looking out tonight I see so many tens well Lastings intends. New York towards us. Indiana yeah. Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid is retiring after serving more than thirty years in congress. No I don't notice Harry Reid was a boxer before he spent five terms as a punching back home. Nor my favorite things and happenings harris' hair. Was when senator Jim and not brought in a snowball to prevent climate change isn't real I mean that in my mind's. I didn't even need to see the other science grads and I skin. Hey you at times the lion man. So cruel. Senator Tom content got 47 other senators to sign an open letter he wrote your Ron. And I guess the most surprising thing is that a guy named Tom cotton. Is a US senator and not a rabbit from an old racist Disney parents yeah. Comparable home cotton in the. Now in some friends of friends. He was just trying to repair America's strained relationship with Israel. Bianchi doesn't need to read about that. Our relationship will be better in the next administration. Just as soon as Israel makes a generous donation to the Clinton foundation. Now. Minute break here for women as all ways. This year representative from hobby lobby said they didn't want to pay for employees' health care if it covered things like contraceptives. Which is weird because I'll I asked him was what islands the yearning. And say I did love hobby lobby I went there this morning and I just by the cutest little wicker basket to hold on my morning after pill. I representative veto Barbieri recently asked of gynecological exams to be conducted by a woman's following a camera. But they cans and now vetoed his wife have ruined a perfectly good proud. Obama came out and support for putting women on money as opposed to the DEA agents who prefer to put money on women. So much attack but this year but. Of course the big story there are. People party announced they're running for presidents like this even vote for. There's Marco Rubio it's like who is better than Marco Rubio going. And is Rand Paul I mean who are knowledgeable about foreign policy than ran pop Miller. At this grade I mean is better and the economy than Hillary bill. Hillary campaign slogan is it's your time. Which I assume is what she says into a mirror while she's dead lifting 200 pounds. About Hillary running. I'm not sure is she excited about having to rent I think she feels the same way Meryl Streep feels when she's that's auditioned for something. I can mean. Making better than I mean you know I'm tenement. I cash now. This next part is a repeat after me so I need your help here I want all media to put their hands up and swears something this election season pang. I solemnly swear. Not to talk about Hillary's appearance. Because that is not journalism. Also says please done it straightened me. Now do you take any events as an endorsement for Hillary Clinton because I would never blindly endorse a candidate I don't play on us now. No it hasn't worked out for her her democratic challengers are a who's who who is that. We plan Lincoln's may be Silas Phelps Peter wells. Now those last two we're characters from the adventures of Huckleberry Finn you don't even notice since. About. Forget Martin O'Malley. I have anything to add that's just his actual campaign slogan let's not forget Martin O'Malley. British is considering entering the race. Should be thinking he gimme president as. Like watching a dog look for its dead owner. He just a known. Lot of a lot Elizabeth Warren to run for president. But many think she's too idealistic and her proposed policies are too liberal. But let it yeah. I mean the same thing about Hammond in and of doing ads. Not have been killed is ideologically diverse. Including people like Ted Cruz Souza Tea Party year. And Rand Paul is a libertarian. And even people like Chris Christie who's a Democrat. Jeb Bush is probably in the race the presidential race that the Hispanic race that is next. And by the way Jen is actually an acronym for John Ellis bus. I guess he thought that sounded too elitist so he in way over compensated. Like it Benedict Humber bats decided to go by skeeter. Marco Rubio was running for president. When Jeb Bush found out is that he has me him. I don't rubio makes Mitt Romney seemed relaxed on the air I just so America gets comfortable in front of the camera before yes it on TV each endorsed jab. That woman. Chris Christie is said that if he's elected president he would crack down on state should legalize marijuana because he believes marijuana as a gateway Jack. So like a bridge to other drugs. Anyone wants to shut down that bridge I'm on just checking. Knew also that Chris Christie's approval ratings in New Jersey air at an all time low. In fact the only thing New Jersey and approve of less is quote. That the mimicking guidance they use is bill. Truth. It's like the right wing thought what's the exact opposite of a black president have a Canadian Latino will never be president. Oh he was born in Canada a child of Cuban immigrants. I can't believe he was and in Hillary's announcement India. Carly Fiorina has considering running for president. Seems like a lot of work just to be a Fox News pendant. Rand Paul announced that he's taking over the family's not being president business. Yes that's a brand. As then he didn't get elected but at least he rams. Now politics you name it if you're unfamiliar a libertarian is just a Republican that you have to block on Twitter. Rand Paul campaign slogan is defeat the blessings in machine unleash the American dream. The American dream of course is the model name of Rand Paul's way. Well not talk about 2016. Let's talk about the most important person in the room my leader. The person I'm so glad it's in the White House Michelle Obama. Can sell you take care that had and I can because in eighteen months you know bill's turn and that things are in a program school. But I think mr. Obama what an amazing woman a Harvard educated lawyer. A fierce advocate for LG BT rags. And the founder of the let's move. It's a nightmare to eat next year. Thanks I have a confession. You know when I got that Salem Beth implant claimants. I am I hit a cheese pizza behind the toilets. Mr. President. Do you so much for taking time away from being on Jimmy Kimmel to be here. Clinton may be seated at the president having this fancy dinner. And I know this must have cost a ton of food stamps so thank you. I say that you never get blood I don't know that's a President Obama and I actually grew up together and Chicago. I remember her when we used to go down to the Cabrini green basketball courts. I laced up a pair majority ends he'd slip on impairment mom's genes and we would just miss three miners until sun town. Playing cards made up to stop and pray to Mecca. But are simpler times they've got friends that congress it prudent with Israel. You said it yourself we can't solve these problems by holding hands and singing whom Diana. Coming up of course is the village in Africa where the president was born. My thing right combine them. And after six years in office your approval rating at that 48%. Not only bad your gray hairs that 85%. Your hair's so white now I can talk back to the police. President hot I'm mr. Cumming an office in 2016 instead too bad name. Protestant let Hillary thinks the economy for the last eight years then it could be you running away from her success. The presidency. Mr. President. You try to get that from a beer a lot like Madonna. You not given this country so much fat in like a year and a half. Yeah Afghanistan. Mr. President ever that's true honor to be here tonight and thank you the White House Correspondents' Association whenever that says. Spanish because he exterminators need to get into this room. Got a bathroom needs independence. I did some ads and.
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