Transcript for Relationship expert Tracy McMillan talks new OWN series, ‘Family or Fiancé’
It's Candace alliance ABC idea and I'm always super excited to have an amazing. Person sitting right across from me and today is no different. I had eight just amazing woman she's an author she is it. Expert when it comes to eleven regulation should let them matchmaker and here's that she has played a talk about. He's also the host. Of alone to the reality series called Catholics. Family are fiance and let me tell you it is something that's gonna get you from the moment you turn it on because there's just so much heart. Part of this Saturday night. Line up on alone 9 o'clock. Welcome trades he do I love being here jazz and we have so much to get into because this show is so explosive. Way beginning and you a lot of things to think about him. And you really help in that and just because I know people come late to the party. Enough can't of the show so we can got to get the full and OK so the show is a couple wants to get married. And their families are against net and we move the whole team. Into a house in Malibu for three days. And pretty much from the moment the couple crosses the threshold. It's just like there's this. Process that's. Bigger than the couple and bigger than the families and it's a process of healing he and a lot of times things get worse before they get battered but an incredible moments happ and like. Incredible stuff you know I get chill. Just watching them and I relate to all of them because everybody has the same problems are versions of the same problems. We'll look into written first and foremost I do want people to know that you are not necessarily a fair that I dry morrow not a mediator. Praying while what I am is I'm like a relationship expert relationship coach. So. And of what I have learned when she was too yeah. I was nineteen I was anti I was barely and I ESCO. When I met my first husband and what I learned over that cross it's. Is what I used to help others and it's really liked the things that I've had to do to heal myself. And I I think it's like I don't judge. Where people are coming from I understand. How complicated it can be if you're the kind of person and has like. Certain family issues are certain childhood issues it's like we bring those into our relationship. And people have a lot of shame some times that prevents them from really digging into the issues and I feel like my background helps with them. You know because I'm just like. I'm just a regular person is working on it for myself. And I love that you know you you were able to connect with these couples and on. Insisting we eat some of the families like that's because again you can be a little bit at a swords they have their own I knew years and now the relationship. And still well she say because I eat I want people to trying to get a gist of of what you're really dealing with the that I acted out which are arrogant at 9 o'clock AM on loan. Is Michael common thread of of some of the issues that you've seen. OK so there's all different kinds of issues are very common issue is the Palin feels like the couple is moving too fast. Very. Very comment here's moving. Families see things in your relationship. That you either cannot or don't want to see. So. At first the couples are usually like quiet we're fine we got it going on in the palace night no need to. So. The big theme is that families pointing out things in your relationship that you minor wanna look at. Now sometimes those things are. Actually happening in the couple and sometimes those things are more like a problem is inside the family. So either way it's got to get on pac. That's a set a common occurrence another thing you hear is like they have a resolve the last relationship before they got in the next and and the family has trouble with that they're like you guys or do you have to read you know resolve this that you can't easily get to the altar thinking that. Here and then here's that version another version of that is where. You think getting married it's gonna solve the problems. And Kelly's no. Getting married usually mix the problems worse. Because it now you shut all the doors and you're just in you know metaphorically year in the. Being the relationship and the doors are locked mountain are you just have nothing to know what ago. Does it. One of the kids are one of the fiance youth are too close to near. Or to close of the sisters. And the the partner feels like Louis she's married her sisters. Or he's married and his mother. Or he hasn't resolved I think when his death. So you get all of these kinds of issues. Another very common theme. So many things that are issues that we've all seen in our lives with friends are you know our own inner in that are on Cameron's her own relationship. And so. Having gone through your own relationship and having these life experiences. What to say for those who are you know trying to watch his show on May be applied to Donald I yeah what the immediate deal breakers that you would say you need to look out for if you're in a relationship or if you're kind of deciding hey may didn't think either are the woman that I wanna and the rest of my mind with. I think that you should. You know he would tell that person might be or deal breakers in any. Way. Of it. Well here's the thing if people are willing to work on their issues. And they're making progress. See our vendor relationships are people worked on issues that don't make progress. So if people are willing to work on the issues. I'm not here to say whether the deal breaker for you only you can think. So a lot of what I'm gonna dial is. Dial you into what is happening inside your own body what what is happening for you inside this what is it like for you to be in this relationship. Is it a place for you can grow a place for you can like expand as a person. Are you practicing loving these are the questions I would going to start went. And then if you've got a partner who's willing to work with you I think you can work through a lot of things in a relationship. Now a few partners like no I refuse to work on that bat that's a deal break and I ain't. Issue isn't the deal breaker the partners response to it. If the deal breaker. Have you ever encountered you know hawking a couple's. On where you say you know what you media this relationship. Or viruses this is definitely something that I'm concerned about yes. At that point eight you eat even if that person or that. Al to write whatever is willing to work on your life it is a matter of their will and work on it this is not a good to do well here's the thing. Hey this is complicated because they are is there are couples that I've seen and. That you're like okay. This is not a good situation protests you can't make any leave a relationship. People do what they wanted to that's like getting from his stuff doing drug. No never happened. Never happened a U curtain got somebody to stop doing drugs are some relationships electrons for people. That's when you see violence when you see these issues and people won't leave it's because there addicted to that relationship OK so when Jiri and that. Yeah we can all go batting. We can't make a lean. What I'm and it ask. Somebody so I almost want to say those are in a whole other category. I feel like when people learn what they know they're in that relationship they know it's not good they don't know how to leave. OK if it's physically abusive if there's drugs and alcohol going on if there's cheating going on they know it's not content. That they can't stop. And that speak worms like they might as will be doing heroin right sell Heidi it's amity. That's a bigger thing. That's a bigger issue right and that we actually excite some families we see that I feel like the the more common situation is that it's not that happy that's. And you can't figure out whether this is a place for you wanna be hearing are. Now here's the other thing as far as doing work let's say you've got him. I physically or emotionally abusive relationship. The person's willing to do where. I would ask you. How much work are you willing to do because if you're in that relationship something's going on with you and that's what really needs again. Settled and resolved because you can get rid of that person but it it still in the U. Units taking you. What have you know obviously you've you've been doing a great job of working with these couples but what have you seen has been the most challenging in what would you say has been the most rewarding now haven't dealt with them for so many for so long I would say the most. Challenging are the couples that. You know. That's most challenging. As you can look at hemming out DC with happening here. And Elliott and say I don't Fiat are icy and I don't care and that's really challenging very hard for people near. Close to someone like at this watch what you know. Heartbreaking. Earns about most challenging what's the most exciting is when we watch these couples some cop olds have an amazing ability. Just he what's going earned in just it's like they have grace. And and there are just able to lift the lift up and to think moved the ruling. And some families have this incredible. A way of like coming in to support. Does cop Ed there's like a beautiful exchange. Of good family can lift out the cup. And acting only without the skills can actually bring a couple drowned. And a good couple can lift up. So wind that is happening we all pitch notes it is like. There was an episode where. The woman who was given out. Into Foster care the care of a relative when she's like four and we had them firm is there she wanted to resolve this thing with her mom before she locked down the dial. And that is so close to my own story. I was so moved. I the work they were doing on this show I was. Literally like in huge massive tears just watching. These two women. For the first time really. Can knack over. What was surely the most. Awful thing this woman dead. You know that she was still grappling with was giving up her daughter and for the daughter it was the worst thing I had ever happened to her and they keen. I borrowed it. Right there yet and I got to be part of that an affiliate that was healing for all of us I love being out financing. And you know it's inches seeing because you mentioned the family dynamic but how Orton. Is it do you think for a relationship. To have your family be supportive is that. I mean if they're not ten you'd still have this relationship as both sides aren't we aren't Karen but it's like. Money in the bank it's like imagine you come from I'm I'm just gonna make an analogy of like my. You could come from a rich family in decades support you and help you make your dreams come true in a place that you know that you've got a safety net or you could be out there on your own. And when you don't have the family's support it's just harder. These couples I have great families apart. You just see it's like wow that is real that is true britches you now I'm rich and. I can agree with that now let's talk about some of these stats and and get your bonds and on why we are the way beyond yeah. So well my first question is how about pre nuptial agreement and it is that is that that be good the rule of thumb how are now I think it's. Different for different for different situations I think. The real place he really need a pre nuptial agreement is in like second marriage as where barricade that's why because you see all too often where there's a new marriage. And then the kid that partner dies and then the kids are like out on the own on their own because all the money went to the new Y for the new Huntsman. That is a situation where you absolutely need pre nuptial agreement now if you're having a first marriage and there's no kids or anything involved. A pre nup. I don't know I mean maybe you're like a Rockefeller summing any what is it that you're trying to protect the fact of the matter is near the end bill delight with somebody. Or your not so. I don't know I would be really interested in what it is that you want. Wait what it is you are trying to attack of the pre nuptial agreement in a first marriage I think that this different. Different attitudes toward it depending on situation it's a peanut to me is that if I got married I get a pre nup because I haven't. And Dole's sign. That I want to make sure is taking I'm not gonna leave that up to my. New house and write an excellent via. In and then also why do you feel like there's Alaskan Imad I think this is I mean if something I can answer but like a lack of therapy when it comes to black okay. Well I mean I think the church has been traditionally where Rico we go to guide for alive. And god is a huge heart. Ill and dealing win. The results. And of the of that generational trauma that we suffered his bike. Now it doesn't matter I'm light skinned or whenever that is not what it's about so earned. I think bad. Therapy. Is. OK let me say this this first set of episodes. The second kind of adds going to. And when black people are seeing that happening on our show. They're like let me have some I Felix some of the most important work we're doing on the show is to demonstrate. What it really is. You get into a process around resolving and how the child at pains and how manly issues back to couple an effect relating so. To me. Yeah therapies huge very important. And not just going to the minister you know it's like therapeutic principles. And then you don't Marshall these are just kind of Rick thought has let. Do you think may they say that a range of marriages work dude you really old lady Soledad and that hasn't borne out in recent yet. And I mean why. Because people aren't choosing on of their tribes. Mostly what we're attracted to her people that are gonna. We're gonna re enact. Our deepest childhood friends asked what we call attracting. There's a leg when you get hot for is somebody that just means of they're gonna start pushing I your buttons are eating even you had. Asked what hot is. OK if you dad is committed to doing you were in Foster care what's hot for mean. Is a cheater and a lot here lap he's gonna abandon me because that's what my child unresolved issues are. So it's not the same for everybody now. Not to think so when you arrange a marriage hugest choosing people who are. And then the agreement is to work on building a life together the agreement is not does gimme the best sex I ever had. I'm an and laughing Florio the united Levittown question I know we gotta go soon okay why are do you believe because I ever read this that. It's better for a man to be more committed than the wasn't well. I think that the researches as when men are. Influenced able to be influenced by the woman. It's a very important thing toward Matt marital satisfaction and to be influenced means that they're willing to learn they're willing to take in what no woman has to say. Are willing to change as a result of what the woman is healing are saying are asking abound. When men are not willing to be flexible in that way. The marriage is on his happy mrs. just research. I am now make. None of them men you don't. Trace I can't they hear all yeah yeah beer scented joy of course begin a theme or her on on. Saturday. Eight years now yeah.
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