Transcript for Tips for balancing career, family and love during quarantine
The old rule for fosterer successful relationships went something like you give a little, I give a little and we meet in the middle. That was in the past. The old rules just don't apply anymore. Here to tell us why are mindfulness and leadership experts Mary couple and authors of the new book "The 80/80 marriage." Nate and Cael kaly joining us now. Thank you both. So we all heard the 50/50 rule before. You know, we should each give our best and you meet in the middle, right? But you're saying now it should be 80/80. Tell us why 50/50 isn't good enough and 80/80 is better? Well, we spent about a decade trying to make this 50/50 rule of fairness work in our relationship. And it was a disaster. It almost ended our marriage, actually. And then we interviewed about is 100 people for this book and this idea of make everything fair is not working for anybody. And there are a couple reasons for this. First, it leads to all sorts of resentment and conflict. But second, it turns out we're actually really bad at assessing whether things are fair. We tend to overestimate our contributions and underestimate the contributions of our partner. So what we recommend is striving for 80/80 instead. You may be asking what are all the numbers mean? It's really about this spirit of contribution in your relationship. So when both people are striving to do more than their fair share, it creates a feeling of generosity, of contribution, and appreciation. Plus, in 80/80, you get a different structure. So rather than having every chore being an opportunity for a fight about whose turn it is or whether it's fair, instead, when you start with shared values and priorities, those rules become more clear. And then it feels like you win together, like you share the success. And that frees up so much energy and fun stuff of marriage. That's really good. It's not what you're not getting, it's what you're not giving, try to put the onus on yourself. Don't always point the finger. We're all living in close quarters together all the time. No breaks. My husband and I were just talking about it. We have never spent this much time together. I think everyone is living that. What are some tips and tools for helping us navigate this we're - always together time?p Well, I think it's what you were saying. We're spending so much time close together. Like, really, really close together. And, yet, the sentiment that people are describing is that we're close but not connected. And so what we're striving for here is how do you re-create that connection? And paradoxically, one of the most important things for connection is space. And that's about physical space. Just leaving your partner's side for a little bit, even walking around the block for five Yeah. And then there is also what we call mental space or head space. That is just giving yourself a break once a day from all those distractions, your device, social media. So that when you come back to connect with your partner, you're more present and available. Okay. I'm taking notes. I'm going to put it into practice. Nate and Haley, hawk both. With he really appreciate it. Thank you so much. Thank you. 80/80 marriage available for preorder and wherever books are sold. It all starts tomorrow.
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